Understanding and Handling Female Covert Narcissists

Female covert narcissists can be incredibly destructive in relationships. Unlike overt narcissists who openly display grandiose arrogance, covert narcissists conceal their sense of superiority and need for constant validation. This makes their narcissism harder to detect initially. However, female covert narcissists exhibit distinct behaviors in relationships that reveal their true nature. Learning to recognize these patterns is key to protecting yourself from exploitation.

Common Traits of Female Covert Narcissists

Female covert narcissists share core traits with overt narcissists, including:

• Lack of empathy – They are unable to truly care about someone’s feelings and experiences beyond how it relates to them.
• Sense of entitlement – They believe they deserve special treatment and catering to their needs above all else.
• Need for control – They seek to dictate a partner’s decisions, friendships, activities, and other aspects of life.
• Haughty behavior when threatened – If their false mask of superiority is challenged, they react with disdain, anger, and efforts to regain control.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism – Even constructive feedback is seen as a harsh attack on their inflated ego.

However, they express these covertly through manipulation, passive-aggression, playing the victim, and other subtle tactics. For example, a female covert narcissist may pretend to gravely sacrifice themselves for a partner’s benefit. But they will keep score and expect the favor to be repaid multiple times over.

Why Female Covert Narcissists Are Hard to Detect

Female covert narcissists are adept at portraying themselves as caring, righteous people. They hide their arrogance and disdain for others behind a guise of morality and altruism. This makes their narcissism very difficult to discern at first.

For example, Lisa projected herself as a charitable, church-going woman who cared deeply about her community. But she would also spread unflattering gossip about her friends and sabotage anyone she saw as competition. Her nice persona hid her malice and jealousy.

Lisa exploited people’s natural desire to avoid conflict and prioritize harmony. Anyone who challenged her was cut off and smeared as immoral.

Signs You’re Dealing with a Female Covert Narcissist

Look for these red flags that indicate you may be dealing with a covert female narcissist:

• They often play the victim or martyr – This cements their superior status as one who suffers for others.
• They give unsolicited advice and direction – This asserts their wisdom and control.
• They avoid genuine two-way conversations – The focus must be on them.
• They have few long-term, close friendships – People eventually see through their false persona.
• They lack follow-through on commitments – They only commit when it serves their self-interest.

Pay close attention to inconsistencies between their public persona and private behavior. For example, a female covert narcissist may act extremely sweet and concerned in public when asking a partner not to socialize without them. But in private, they will rage if their control is challenged.

Why Female Covert Narcissists Play the Victim

Playing the victim allows female covert narcissists to disguise their sense of superiority while eliciting sympathy and attention. They often frame themselves as long-suffering, plagued by misfortune, and held back by other’s mistakes.

For example, Rachel would incessantly talk about how her ex-husband ruined her life by having an affair. She left out that she had done the same multiple times during their marriage. This cemented her victim status and obscured her own infidelity.

How Female Covert Narcissists Gaslight

Gaslighting is a common tactic used by female covert narcissists. This is when they deliberately distort the truth or attempt to make someone question their own sanity and memory.

For instance, when Lisa’s partner tried to confront her frequent condescending remarks, she adamantly denied ever making them. She insisted her partner was exaggerating and twisting her words, making him doubt his own recollection.

When a Female Covert Narcissist Feels Threatened

If a female covert narcissist feels their false self is being exposed, they will unleash their vindictiveness. They may:

• Initiate a smear campaign against the person – Making cruel, false claims to undermine their reputation.
• Make threats to cut the person out of their life – Using rejection as a weapon.
• Verbally attack the person’s insecurities – Tailored ad hominem attacks.
• Play the victim to gain allies – Crying to others to get backup against the threat.

Their facade drops and they aim to devalue and discard anyone who may reveal their true arrogance and emptiness. For example, when Lisa’s fiance confronted her about flirting with other men, she spread lies that he was physically abusive, gaining sympathy from friends and family.

Handling Relationships with Female Covert Narcissists

Why Female Covert Narcissists Lack Empathy

Female covert narcissists view relationships as a means to prop up their ego, not as mutually caring bonds. They lack true empathy and interest in someone’s experiences beyond how it reflects on themselves.

For example, Susan showed zero emotional engagement or interest when her partner Jane tearfully shared that her parent had cancer. Susan quickly steered the conversation back to herself and her challenges at work.

How Female Covert Narcissists Exploit People

Female covert narcissists are skilled at using guilt, flattery, attention, and other methods to manipulate people into serving their self-interests. They exploit people’s natural desire to be liked and avoid conflict.

For instance, Rachel made her boyfriend David feel guilty about spending any time apart, even occasionally seeing friends. She said David making her feel lonely was bringing up painful abandonment issues from childhood. This got David to prioritize her above all else.

What Drives Their Sense of Entitlement

Female covert narcissists feel entitled to have their needs catered to, receive special treatment, be the center of attention, and control others. This stems from their grandiose self-image and lack of empathy.

For example, when Lisa’s husband Dan took a weekend golf trip alone with friends, she raged at him for abandoning his family and not considering her needs. In Lisa’s mind, she deserved Dan’s constant company and devotion.

Undermining Self-Esteem

Female covert narcissists employ backhanded compliments, comparing, ignoring, gaslighting, and other tactics to gradually chip away at a partner’s self-esteem. This creates dependence on the narcissist to feel good about themselves.

For instance, Rachel would often mention how her ex-boyfriend was much more attractive and successful than her current partner Tom. She’d point out Tom’s minor weight gain and career plateau. This signaled Tom was easily replaceable.

How to Safely Detach from a Female Covert Narcissist

Ending a relationship with a female covert narcissist is extremely difficult and often traumatic, but can be done safely by:

• Avoiding in-depth conversations about the decision – This prevents manipulation.
• Refusing to take their calls or meet in private – Meeting privately gives them an avenue to harass you.
• Seeking support from close friends and family – Allies are critical when leaving a narcissist.
• Blocking them on all channels of contact – Remove all their access to you.

It’s critical they have no avenues left to harass, guilt, or manipulate you after detaching. Expect fallout, but stay firm in your resolve. For example, when breaking up with Lisa, Dan only communicated through unemotional emails and blocked her number. He leaned on supportive friends when she tried to stalk and sabotage him.

Identifying Female Covert Narcissists

Key Red Flags

Look for these telltale signs that strongly indicate you may be dealing with a female covert narcissist:

• Hot and cold behavior – Idealizing then devaluing partners.
• Blaming others for anything unfavorable – Refusing to take accountability.
• Punishing people for challenging them – Vengefulness when their control is threatened.
• Excessive need to be admired – Constantly fishing for compliments and external validation.
• A lack of close, long-term friends – People see through their act over time.

The more subtle the signs, the more dangerous the narcissism. It takes an astute eye to discern a covert female narcissist early. For example, Julia covertly punished her husband for going on a golf trip without her by giving him the silent treatment for a week, then acted as if nothing was wrong.

Will a Female Covert Narcissist Be Happy?

Despite their grandiose posturing, female covert narcissists feel empty inside and struggle to be genuinely happy. Their happiness depends entirely on external validation of their inflated self-image.

Without constant admiration, special treatment, and catering to their needs, the narcissist will quickly become unhappy, angry, and punitive. For example, Kim seethed when her partner no longer doted on her like when they first dated. She found fault in everything he did after the idolization stopped.

Dangers of Female Covert Narcissists

Female covert narcissists can inflict severe psychological and emotional damage over time through subtler, but insidious forms of abuse and manipulation.

For example, constantly gaslighting someone to question their own sanity or chipping away at their self-esteem through comparisons and degradation. The metaphorical death by a thousand cuts can leave deep scars.

The dangers are intensified by how difficult it is to recognize a covert female narcissist early. This gives them ample time to gain influence as someone trustworthy. For instance, Rachel presented herself as a victim for two years in her marriage, obscuring her own manipulation.

Avoiding Exploitation

How Female Covert Narcissists Behave

Some key behaviors demonstrating the entitlement and lack of empathy of a covert female narcissist include:

• Becoming enraged if their partner goes on a solo trip or vacation – They expect full devotion and shared experiences.
• Ending the silent treatment only when the partner apologizes first – They won’t take accountability for their own actions.
• Giving unsolicited advice framed as “constructive criticism” – Belittling partners under the guise of helping.

The narcissist sees their partner as an extension of themselves, not an equal. They expect devotion and become incensed if the partner asserts autonomy. For example, when Susan’s husband went on a fishing trip alone, she raged, smashed dishes, and threatened divorce.

When You Break Up with a Female Covert Narcissist

A female covert narcissist will react strongly to being broken up with, even if they initiated or wanted the breakup. Some behaviors to expect include:

• Veiled threats to ruin your reputation – “You’ll regret this.”
• Playing the victim to cast you as the villain – Crying to friends that you cruelly abandoned them.
• Repeated hoovering attempts to get you back under their control – “I’ll change, please reconsider!”

Their ego cannot handle rejection. They will lash out and try to reestablish dominance in any way possible. For instance, Kim stalked and harassed her ex-boyfriend for months after he broke up with her.

How Female Covert Narcissists Try to Keep Control

To maintain power and control, a female covert narcissist may:

• Keep tabs on your location and activities – Insist on knowing your whereabouts.
• Interrogate you about who you talk to or spend time with – Demand detailed information on your contacts.
• Subtly make you feel like you can’t survive or be happy without them – “You’re nothing without me.”

Their tactics are meant to make you emotionally and practically dependent on them. This feeds their sense of superiority and entitlement. For example, Lisa would pretend Dan’s friends and family didn’t like her. This isolated him from key support systems.

Protecting Yourself from Harm

Confusing a Female Covert Narcissist

Some ways to confuse a female covert narcissist and throw them off their game include:

• Remaining unreactive and calm when they try to provoke you – Don’t give them the volatile reaction they want.
• Pointing out inconsistencies in their behavior calmly – Reveals cracks in their facade.
• Asking them clarifying questions when they gaslight you – Don’t accept their false version of reality.

This prevents them from getting the emotional reactions they desire. It also challenges their false persona. For instance, calmly asking “Can you help me understand why you see it that way?” when they distort facts.

Preventing Exploitation

To prevent a female covert narcissist from exploiting you:

• Avoid sharing your weaknesses or insecurities – Don’t hand them ammunition.
• Don’t rely on them for validation or self-esteem – Seek healthier relationships for affirmation.
• Maintain strong personal boundaries – Keep your distance emotionally and practically.
• Align actions with values, not guilt – Act from your principles, not their manipulation.

This minimizes what they can use against you or leverage to manipulate you for their gain. For example, change plans if guilt-tripped, not from a sense of obligation.

Escaping the Abuse Cycle

To escape the abuse cycle with a covert female narcissist partner:

• Document evidence of abuse – Record interactions as proof of their behaviors.
• Build your support system – Get help from friends, family, and professionals.
• Create a solid exit plan – Make a safe blueprint to leave.
• Get therapy to rebuild self-worth – Work to undo their damage to your psyche and self-esteem.

This empowers you to leave safely so you can begin healing away from their toxicity and control. For instance, share recordings of gaslighting with a counselor to get clarity on the manipulation.

Frequently Asked Questions

How Can You Identify a Female Covert Narcissist?

Look for inconsistencies between their public persona and private behavior, resistance to criticism, pattern of blaming others, inability to empathize, and subtle contempt for those they consider inferior. Their true nature comes out in their actions, not just their words.

For example, a female covert narcissist may act caring and concerned about her partner in public but ignore and belittle him at home. The contrast reveals her duplicity.

What Tactics Do Female Covert Narcissists Use?

They employ guilt trips, gaslighting, passive-aggression, smear campaigns, triangulation, intermittently idealizing then devaluing partners, and other methods to manipulate and control while concealing their malice and arrogance.

For instance, gaslighting partners into believing their version of reality or devaluing them with backhanded compliments delivered under the guise of care.

What’s the Difference Between Overt and Covert Narcissists?

Overt narcissists openly display grandiosity and seek attention/praise, while covert narcissists conceal their sense of entitlement and need for validation through subtle belittling, manipulation, and playing the martyr.

Here’s the continuation of the expanded article:

An overt narcissist may brag about accomplishments or haughtily dismiss others’ achievements, while a covert narcissist quietly undermines and sabotages people while acting polite and concerned.

Do Female Covert Narcissists Know They Are Narcissistic?

In most cases, no. Their egos protect them from recognizing their own narcissism. They believe the false persona they project. Only if they pursue intensive therapy later in life may they gain self-awareness.

For example, Lisa genuinely saw herself as an upstanding, charitable woman – not the jealous, sabotaging person she really was. Her self-image completely contradicted her actions.

How Does a Female Covert Narcissist Typically Act?

They act caring and interested in public, but are cold, demanding, entitled, manipulative, and lacking in empathy in private. They express haughtiness indirectly through guilt trips, gaslighting, triangulation, smear campaigns, and other tactics.

For instance, a female covert narcissist may loudly sigh and roll her eyes when her partner is talking to signal disinterest and contempt, rather than overtly stating it.

Can a Female Covert Narcissist Change?

It’s very unlikely. They lack self-awareness and don’t believe they need to change. Short of intensive therapy, their sense of entitlement, exploitation of others, and deceitful behaviors typically continue.

For example, when confronted, Rachel dismissed any suggestion that she manipulates or abuses partners. In her mind, she is the victim, so she feels fully justified in her behaviors.

In Summary

Female covert narcissists can wreak havoc in relationships through their underlying sense of superiority and lack of empathy. But by recognizing the signs and patterns of their manipulation and discrete grandiosity, we can protect ourselves from their duplicity and malice.

The keys are seeing through their false persona, setting firm boundaries, avoiding vulnerabilities that can be exploited, and being willing to detach once their narcissism is revealed. With knowledge, vigilance, and self-care, we can escape safely.