The Personality of Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

When subjected to prolonged covert narcissistic abuse, victims can undergo insidious personality changes that shatter their sense of self-worth and emotional well-being. Unlike overt narcissistic abuse, the subtle tactics of manipulation, gaslighting, degradation and more are harder to recognize, allowing further psychological damage to occur.

Erosion of Self-Confidence

One of the hallmark effects of covert narcissistic abuse is the gradual erosion of the victim’s self-confidence. The abuser employs indirect techniques that slowly undermine the victim’s belief in their own judgment, skills and perception of reality.

For example, the narcissist may frequently tell their victim that they misunderstood something that was said or done. This form of gaslighting makes the victim start to distrust their own memory and perception of events. The abuser might also compare the victim unfavorably to peers or make subtle criticisms of the victim’s abilities, slowly destroying their self-assurance.

Mary was married to a narcissistic husband who consistently critiqued her parenting skills, making comments like, “You are so permissive with the kids. I don’t know how they’ll ever learn discipline with your approach.” Though seeming benign on the surface, his constant criticism eroded Mary’s confidence in making parenting decisions over time.

This erosion of confidence has profound effects. The victim becomes dependent on the narcissist for validation while doubting their every thought and action. They cede their agency and internal compass to the abuser’s version of reality.

Destruction of Self-Esteem

In addition to diminishing confidence, covert narcissistic abuse systematically destroys the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. The abuser’s exploitation, deceit, callousness and manipulation convey to the victim that they are defective, unwanted and unlovable.

Narcissists frequently use subtle comparison tactics to Deprecate their victims as well. For example, a narcissistic friend might say, “I don’t know why you’d want to wear something like that when you have broad shoulders,” or a narcissistic sibling may point out, “Mom and dad seem happier when your brother is home to visit than they are with you.” These comments instill a sense of worthlessness.

Greg was dating a narcissistic girlfriend who would periodically mention how she found his friends more attractive and interesting than him. Her comparisons made Greg feel inadequate and undesirable, despite his outwardly confident persona.

When subjected to persistent messages of inferiority and shame from the narcissist, the victim’s self-esteem can reach clinically low levels. They become mired in feelings of unworthiness and defects of character.

Creation of Anxiety and Hypervigilance

In addition to instability of self-confidence and worth, victims of covert narcissists often develop anxiety and hypervigilance as a result of the unpredictable abuse. They learn to constantly scrutinize the narcissist’s behaviors, moods and reactions to avoid triggering rage, indifference or punishment.

For example, the victim of a narcissistic parent might analyze every minor shift in tone or facial expression, thinking “What did I do to cause this? How can I appease them?” The victim of a narcissistic partner may become extremely uneasy and unable to relax, wondering when the next episode of abuse will occur.

This heightened state of vigilance causes the victim to become tense, anxious and walking on eggshells. They can also develop paranoid fears about others’ behaviors, reading malintent into benign comments or assuming they will be betrayed or lied to.

The Numbed, Robotic Personality

To cope with the narcissist’s cruelty and volatility, many victims report assuming an emotionally muted, robotic personality. They react to provocations and abuse with detachment or a lack of affect, denying the narcissist satisfaction.

For example, a daughter of a narcissistic mother may respond to her insults with an emotionless “I see,” rather than displaying any hurt or anger that could invite more abuse. Or a husband with a narcissistic wife may give flat, one-word responses to her verbal attacks.

This numbed personality is a form of psychological protection against the narcissist. However, it also prevents the victim from experiencing the positive emotions of normal human connections. They report feeling hollow, dissociated from their true self, and detached from authentic relating.

Conclusion

In summary, covert narcissistic abuse can induce profound transformations in the victim’s personality and psyche. Their self-confidence erodes, anxiety and hypervigilance take root, and emotional numbness sets in. With self-awareness and the right support, victims can reclaim their self-concept and thrive once again.

Let me know if you would like me to modify or expand this draft article in any way. I can provide additional examples and analysis of the personality changes. Please feel free to give feedback on sections you would like me to focus on more.

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