The Narcissist Is Not Done With You
Enduring relationships with narcissists is an extremely confusing and cyclical experience. Even long after the narcissist discards you, they inexplicably find ways to reel you back into the dysfunctional dynamic again and again. In this article, we will explore why narcissists seem fundamentally unable to fully detach from their victims, even long after ending things.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. People with NPD often behave in arrogant, exploitative ways in relationships. Their disorder drives the push-pull cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discarding seen in narcissistic relationships.
Escaping a narcissist’s endless manipulation is an immense challenge. Even after the relationship clearly ends, they find ways to periodically reel you back into their dysfunctional grasp through hoovering and other tactics.
In this article, we’ll explore why narcissists seem unable to fully detach from victims, even long after ending the relationship. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. They see you as an object they own rather than a real person. This perspective drives the push-pull cycle of intermittent silent treatments followed by hoovering.
Why Can’t Narcissists Detach?
There are two key reasons narcissists struggle to let go of partners:
- Unhealthy Attachment Style
Narcissists have an insecure “anxious-avoidant” attachment style stemming from childhood emotional unavailability or abuse. This manifests through idealization (love bombing), devaluation, discarding (silent treatments), and hoovering exes back in (re-idealization). Their push-pull behavior reflects an inability to attach to partners normally. - Objectification
Narcissists also struggle to see others as real people with emotions. They objectify partners as mere sources of validation (supply), possessions they can control. This perspective enables ongoing manipulation long after breakups, denying exes humanity or agency.
How To Tell If The Narcissist Is Done With You
It can be difficult to discern if a narcissist has fully detached. Signs they may not be done include continued hoovering attempts, messages, triggers to provoke reactions, maintaining any form of contact, stalking you online, or sending flying monkeys to monitor you. Any effort to keep you engaged shows they still seek supply.
For example, your narcissistic ex may intermittently love bomb you with praise when they need validation. Or they may make grand apologies and promises of change while secretly seeing others. These hoovering efforts keep you entangled in case they require your emotional labor again.
When The Narcissist Says “I’m Done With You”
Narcissists frequently discard partners suddenly and decisively, saying things like “I’m done with you” or cruelly demeaning you. But words often don’t match actions. They may cut contact temporarily through a silent treatment or by ghosting you. But this rarely lasts forever.
More commonly, they are manipulating you as punishment or reasserting power over you. The narcissist will reappear when they want attention again. For example, an ex may give you the cold shoulder for weeks, then return via text pretending nothing happened. This on-off cycle continues because they perceive access as control.
In summary, narcissists struggle immensely to let go due to their disordered minds, objectification, and dysfunctional attachment. Going no contact is essential to permanently detach and force narcissists to refocus endless energy finding new supply. While difficult, no contact and upholding strong boundaries are the only ways to show narcissists conclusively that you are done on your own terms. Wishing you strength as you take back control of your life!
Signs a Narcissist Isn’t Done With You
Here are some signs a narcissist isn’t fully detached:
- Hoovering attempts to reconnect
- Sending messages or gifts
- Using triggers to provoke reactions
- Maintaining any form of contact
- Stalking you online
- Monitoring you through flying monkeys
Any effort to keep you engaged shows they still seek supply from you.
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Enduring Characteristics of Relationships with Narcissists
Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Cycle
Relationships with narcissists are extremely confusing and cyclical in nature. The narcissist initially idealizes their partner through excessive flattery, gifts and affection, also known as “love bombing.” But this is ultimately revealed as a facade once the devaluation phase begins, in which the narcissist incrementally dismantles their partner’s self-esteem through criticism, gaslighting, comparisons to others etc. The relationship culminates in the “discard” where the narcissist abruptly ends things without explanation, often moving on to a new source of supply.
Hoovering After Discard
However, the dynamic rarely ends there, which is one of the core enduring characteristics. Even long after the discard, narcissists inexplicably find ways to periodically reel their victims back into the dysfunctional dynamic. They use hoovering tactics like excessive praise, faked apologies or pleas for help to lure the person back in. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. This creates an endless cycle of intermittent silent treatments and hoovering that constitutes the central enduring characteristic of relationships with narcissistic abusers.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Definition
The DSM-5 lists these as the key characteristics of NPD:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggeration of abilities
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty or ideal love
- Belief they are special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
- Intense need for admiration and entitlement
- Exploitative and manipulative behaviors
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others or erroneous belief others envy them
Behaviors in Relationships
In essence, NPD involves extreme egotism and selfishness coupled with an inability to genuinely connect with others. Sufferers have distorted self-concepts, unstable self-esteem, and cannot handle criticism. Their disorder drives the push-pull relationship cycles and inability to detach from supply sources seen in narcissistic abuse.
The Push-Pull Cycle
Causes
There are two key factors that drive the push-pull cycle of love bombing, devaluation, discard and hoovering seen in relationships with narcissists:
- Their unhealthy and insecure attachment style stemming from childhood.
- Their inability to see intimate partners as full human beings causes them to mentally objectify and commodify people. Partners represent sources of supply or validation rather than real individuals with agency.
Attachment Style
The “anxious-avoidant” attachment style arises from childhood when the narcissist’s basic dependency needs aren’t met. As adults, this manifests as:
- Love bombing romantic partners (anxious attempt to get needs met)
- Devaluation and abruptly shutting out partners (avoidant distancing when feelings engulf)
- Hoovers partners back in by feigning renewal of the bond (anxious pull)
- Re-discarding and devaluation (avoidant push)
Objectification
Narcissists struggle with cognitive empathy and seeing others’ humanity for a few key reasons:
- They have limited emotional intelligence or ability to mentalize, stemming from inadequate childhood mirroring.
- Lack of identity outside their false self leads them to only see people as sources of supply or threats to their grandiosity.
- Their hyperactive ego defenses ward off psychological injury but further disconnect them from reality.
- Their profound sense of entitlement paired with lack of conscience allows them to exploit without remorse.
Detaching from a Narcissist
Signs of Hoovering
A narcissist who isn’t fully detached may do things like:
- Send sporadic hoovering messages checking in.
- Like photos or watch stories on your social media.
- Make comments designed to induce jealousy about new supplies.
- Spread rumors designed to provoke reactions in the smear campaign.
Enforcing No Contact
To make a narcissist accept you’re done for good, you must communicate through consistent actions, not just words:
- Go completely no contact by blocking them everywhere. Delete texts or gifts that could allow hoovering.
- Maintain no contact consistently even during hoovering attempts. Cease all supply – negative or positive.
- Convey total emotional indifference. Don’t admit if you feel pain, jealousy etc.
- Refuse to be drawn into defending yourself against smears. Stay disengaged.
- Document stalking or harassment if needed to pursue legal options.
What are the enduring characteristics of relationships with narcissists?
Relationships with narcissists are extremely confusing and cyclical in nature. The narcissist initially idealizes their partner through excessive flattery, gifts and affection, also known as “love bombing.” But this is ultimately revealed as a facade once the devaluation phase begins, in which the narcissist incrementally dismantles their partner’s self-esteem through criticism, gaslighting, comparisons to others etc. The relationship culminates in the “discard” where the narcissist abruptly ends things without explanation, often moving on to a new source of supply.
However, the dynamic rarely ends there, which is one of the core enduring characteristics. Even long after the discard, narcissists inexplicably find ways to periodically reel their victims back into the dysfunctional dynamic. They use hoovering tactics like excessive praise, faked apologies or pleas for help to lure the person back in. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. This creates an endless cycle of intermittent silent treatments and hoovering that constitutes the central enduring characteristic of relationships with narcissistic abusers.
How do narcissists manage to reel you back into the dysfunctional dynamic even after discarding you?
Narcissists use many underhanded tactics to keep sinking their claws into victims, even long after ending the relationship. Some of the ways they reel you back in include: sudden reappearances and hoovering attempts to reconnect; sending messages or gifts to confuse you; dumping triggers designed to provoke reactions and supply; maintaining contact through stalking or monitoring you online; triangulating you against a new target, and periodically reminding you of the idealization “good times.”
Their unhealthy attachment style makes permanently detaching impossible. So they continue seeing you as an object they possess and control indefinitely. Any form of remaining contact signifies they still seek narcissistic supply from you. Narcissists cunningly keep some channel open – even if very intermittent contact – so they can continue their manipulation long after breaking up.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) characterized by?
The DSM-5 lists these as the key characteristics of NPD:
Grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggeration of abilities
Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty or ideal love
Belief they are special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
Intense need for admiration and entitlement
Exploitative and manipulative behaviors
Lack of empathy
Envy of others or erroneous belief others envy them
In essence, NPD involves extreme egotism and selfishness coupled with an inability to genuinely connect with others. Sufferers have distorted self-concepts, unstable self-esteem, and cannot handle criticism. Their disorder drives the push-pull relationship cycles and inability to detach from supply sources seen in narcissistic abuse.
How do people with NPD behave in relationships?
Narcissists behave in arrogant, abusive and exploitative ways in relationships due to their disordered personalities. They feel entitled to adulation, obedience, service and admiration from their partners. They do not handle disagreement or criticism well at all.
Narcissists engage in idealization as they initially shower partners with praise and grand gestures. But they then devalue partners through put-downs, gaslighting, infidelity and other means. They ultimately discard partners suddenly when they cease providing enough supply. Their need to control the relationship also leads to behaviors like smear campaigns, hoovering and triangulation. Their disorder drives their chaotic relationship patterns.
What drives the push-pull cycle in narcissistic relationships?
There are two key factors that drive the push-pull cycle of love bombing, devaluation, discard and hoovering seen in relationships with narcissists:
Their unhealthy and insecure attachment style stemming from childhood. Narcissists have an anxious-avoidant attachment where they desperately crave intimacy but also deeply distrust people and fear engulfment. This manifests in the extreme highs of idealization followed by the lows of cruelty when engulfment panic sets in.
Their inability to see intimate partners as full human beings causes them to mentally objectify and commodify people. Partners represent sources of supply or validation rather than real individuals with agency. This perspective enables their cruel manipulation as they pursue supply without empathy.
What are the two key reasons narcissists struggle to let go of partners?
The two core reasons narcissists cannot fully detach – even from partners they’ve clearly discarded – are:
Their unhealthy attachment style. Narcissists have a disorganized attachment schema marked by engulfment anxiety. So they panic when abandoned by supply sources and seek to hoover them back in.
Objectification of partners. Narcissists struggle to recognize others’ humanity. They commodify people as objects for supply. So they see discarded partners as still under their possession and control.
Their profound relational and empathy disorders mean they treat even discarded partners as objects they still own, creating an inability to ever fully detach.
How does the “anxious-avoidant” attachment style manifest in narcissists?
The “anxious-avoidant” attachment style arises from childhood when the narcissist’s basic dependency needs aren’t met. As adults, this manifests as:
Love bombing romantic partners (anxious attempt to get needs met)
Devaluation and abruptly shutting out partners (avoidant distancing when feelings engulf)
Hoovers partners back in by feigning renewal of the bond (anxious pull)
Re-discarding and devaluation (avoidant push)
This creates an endless cycle of a narcissist desperately pursuing a partner again after discarding them – reflecting their anxious attachment – then feeling engulfed and needing to regain distance. They are never able detach permanently due to this dysfunctional attachment style.
Why do narcissists struggle to see others as real people with emotions?
Narcissists struggle with cognitive empathy and seeing others’ humanity for a few key reasons:
They have limited emotional intelligence or ability to mentalize, stemming from inadequate childhood mirroring.
Lack of identity outside their false self leads them to only see people as sources of supply or threats to their grandiosity.
Their hyperactive ego defenses ward off psychological injury but further disconnect them from reality.
Their profound sense of entitlement paired with lack of conscience allows them to exploit without remorse.
In essence, profound early trauma arrested their emotional and moral development. So they learned to manipulate as a way to survive without learning empathy or emotional connection.
What are some signs that a narcissist isn’t fully detached from you?
A narcissist who isn’t fully detached may do things like:
Send sporadic hoovering messages checking in.
Like photos or watch stories on your social media.
Make comments designed to induce jealousy about new supplies.
Spread rumors designed to provoke reactions in the smear campaign.
Have others monitor you and report back as flying monkeys.
Pretend to accidentally run into to you to gauge supply.
Any form of remaining connected enough to provoke reactions shows they still perceive you as a source of narcissistic supply not fully relinquished.
What is “hoovering,” and how does it relate to narcissists?
Hoovering refers to when a narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after a discard through charming behaviors like excessive flattery, proclamations of love, apologies and promises. It relates to their attachment style – abandonment panic motivates them to resecure supply through manipulation.
They typically hoover when their new sources of supply run dry or fail to adequately meet their insatiable needs. Hoovering keeps victims on the backburner as supply. It also reaffirms the narcissist still possesses control. Out of the blue hoovering is one of the most common ways narcissists reel victims back into the abuse cycle post-discard.
When a narcissist says “I’m done with you,” do their words always match their actions?
No, frequently when a narcissist proclaims dramatically “I’m done with you,” their actions tell a different story than their words. They may cut contact temporarily through a disappearance or silent treatment. But this is primarily designed to make their victims anxious and reassert power over them.
More commonly, despite their dismissive words, the narcissist still continues monitoring their ex-partner closely or finds pretexts to make contact. Essentially, their declarations signal a wound to their grandiose ego, not an intention to permanently detach. The narcissist will often resurface quickly after an “I’m done with you” proclamation once their pride has recovered enough to hoover for validation.
What is the purpose behind the narcissist’s manipulation when they temporarily cut contact?
There are a few purposes behind a narcissist temporarily cutting contact after discarding a partner:
To punish the person for some perceived infraction against their sense of superiority. The withdrawal of contact makes the person anxious which the narcissist finds gratifying.
To deliberately instill a panic over losing them. The ensuing desperation makes the person easier to hoover when contact resumes.
To re-spark the fear of missing out which will amplify the elation if they return. This manipulates stronger positive supply during the hoovering honeymoon period.
To re-establish a position of power and control after feeling threatened by independence. Ceasing contact highlights the narcissist’s ability to withdraw at whim.
Essentially, it allows them to use anxiety, insecurity and abandonment fears against someone as emotional hooks when hoovering resumes.
What is the cycle that narcissists often repeat during the devaluation and discard phases?
The narcissist tends to repeat certain cycles during devaluation and discarding partners:
Gradually ramping up abuse through gaslighting, put downs, triangulation, etc.
Following impulsive rages and cruelty with a reconciliation period of being sweet, attentive, apologetic.
Restarting the mean and sweet cycle until the partner is thoroughly emotionally disoriented and co-dependent.
Abruptly dropping all contact for days after reacting enviously to hints of the partner’s independence.
Reappearing as if nothing happened to restart the idealization – devaluation rollercoaster.
Essentially, intermittent abuse and kindness keeps the partner addicted to tiny crumbs of positive supply through trauma bonding. The turmoil also lets the narcissist continually reset the relationship timeline when abandoned.
How do narcissists view their previous partners during the devaluation and discard phases?
During devaluation and discard, narcissists have generally ceased to view their partners as independent people deserving of human dignity or compassion. They now regard them as objects that have failed to continue providing sufficient positive supply.
Partners represent “bad investments” that no longer do enough to support the narcissist’s grandiose false self. The narcissist feels entirely justified in brutally discarding them without empathy. Yet underneath the cold indifference, the narcissist still feels they “own” and possess these objects (ex-partners), retaining full entitlement to access and control them long after the breakup.
What are the genuine signs that a narcissist is finally done with you?
Genuine signs a narcissist has detached fully include:
Zero attempts to hoover or reestablish contact.
Making no effort to keep tabs on you through smear campaigns or flying monkeys.
Complete emotional indifference to your existence, not trying to provoke jealousy or pain by flaunting new supplies.
No attempts to bait you back through old songs, inside jokes or other triggers.
Essentially zero interaction showing they see you as irrevocably disposable and are refocusing energies on new sources.
But for most narcissists, their disordered minds make totally relinquishing former supply exceedingly difficult if not impossible. Detachment generally only follows a target’s consistent enforcement of no contact and boundaries.
What makes it difficult for most narcissists to let go of their former supply permanently?
Several factors make it hard for narcissists to permanently detach from former supply sources:
Objectification and dehumanization makes people disposable but also still “owned” possessions.
Pathological envy means preventing others from thriving independently post-breakup is imperative.
Theirgrandiose false self requires continual external validation from new and old supplies alike to survive.
Inability to self-reflect means every failure is blamed on others, requiring endless punishment.
Their insecure attachment causes abandonment panic so former supplies must be kept available as backups.
Essentially, their disordered psychology prohibits detachment. Letting someone depart freely contradicts all the narcissist’s internal constructs about power, entitlement and control.
How can a narcissist fully detach from you?
A narcissist will only fully detach if:
They secured a replacement source of superior supply making you entirely obsolete.
You unequivocally communication total disinterest in ever reconciling or providing further supply.
All paths of access to you are permanently severed through no contact, relocation etc. so hoovering is impossible.
Other more promising targets present themselves requiring less effort to exploit.
But even then, most narcissists continue circling back periodically to former supplies when bored or thirsty for validation. Their unhealthy attachment style makes detaching from resources profoundly difficult if not impossible. They despise losing their property.
How can you force a narcissist to realize that you’re never coming back?
To make a narcissist accept you’re done for good, you must communicate through consistent actions, not just words:
Go completely no contact by blocking them everywhere. Delete texts or gifts that could allow hoovering.
Maintain no contact consistently even during hoovering attempts. Cease all supply – negative or positive.
Convey total emotional indifference. Don’t admit if you feel pain, jealousy etc.
Refuse to be drawn into defending yourself against smears. Stay disengaged.
Document stalking or harassment if needed to pursue legal options.
Basically starve them of reactions indicating you are unaffected by and immune to their ploys.
Once convinced the former supply is unrecoverable, the narcissist has no choice but to reluctantly move on for lack of alternatives.
In the dynamic between a narcissist and their victim, where does the power to end the dynamic typically lie?
The power to permanently end the dysfunctional dynamic ultimately lies more with the victim than the narcissist. Due to their disordered minds, narcissists find letting go nearly impossible. Even after being clearly discarded, they employ endless manipulation ploys to maintain access and control.
The only way to truly free yourself is by enforcing no contact, documenting stalking if needed, and consistently demonstrating through actions that their hoovering attempts and other ploys evoke zero engagement. You must show the narcissist with certitude that you are emotionally unaffected and immune to their manipulation in order for them to relinquish their falsely constructed sense of ownership over you.
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists struggle to detach due to their disordered minds and objectification of targets. But no contact and strong boundaries are the only ways to force narcissists to accept that you are done on your terms. Wishing you strength on your healing journey!
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists struggle to detach due to their disordered minds and objectification of targets. But no contact and strong boundaries are the only ways to force narcissists to accept that you are done on your terms. Wishing you strength on your healing journey!
