Understanding Narcissist Text Habits & How to Respond

August 18, 2023 No Comments

Navigating the Minefield: Understanding Narcissist Text Habits & How to Respond

The Idealization Love Bombing Opening Salvo

Why Do Narcissists Text You So Much at First?

In the beginning, narcissists text excessively as if you’re the best thing since sliced bread. My narcissistic ex flooded me with so many flattering messages initially, I felt like I hung the moon and stars. This “love bombing” aims to hook you emotionally before devaluing you.

Idealizing Text Examples:

“You’re an angel on earth – I’ve never met anyone as kind and beautiful as you!”
“I know we just met but our connection feels so spiritual…like soulmates beyond this realm.”
“You inspire me more than anyone I’ve ever known…I want to be better because of you.”

How Should You Respond to Love Bombing?

Enjoy the sweet nothings but stay grounded in reality. Love bombing lays the groundwork for manipulation. Flowers wilt fast once idealization ends. Let their actions speak louder than words.

The Devaluation Disappearing Act

Why Do Narcissists Suddenly Ghost You?

Once narcissists feel they’ve secured your affection, their attentiveness mysteriously vanishes into thin air. Jeff described his narcissistic business partner going from daily enthusiastic check-ins to ignoring his texts entirely seemingly out of the blue. This painful push/pull is deliberate.

Indifferent Devaluing Text Examples:

“K.”
“Busy right now.”
“New phone who dis?”

How to Respond to Narcissistic Disappearing Acts?

Don’t chase ghosts. Fill your life with people who show up, not just when convenient. Value actions over words with narcissists.

Intermittent Reinforcement Texts

Why Do Narcissists Suddenly Text You After Silence?

Like clockwork, just as I began moving on, my narcissistic ex would text me out of the blue as if no time had passed. This “breadcrumbing” aims to keep you anxiously awaiting their validation, addicted to intermittent hope.

Breadcrumbing Text Examples:

“Hey stranger, thinking of you today…”
“This sunset is almost as beautiful as you…”
“I miss hanging out…”

How to Handle a Narcissist’s Breadcrumbing?

Don’t let sporadic crumbs keep you trapped in the waiting game. You deserve nourishing consistency. Roll away from breadcrumbs and towards fulfillment.

Hoovering Texts

Why Does a Narcissist Suddenly Hoover Back?

After months of my narcissistic friend devaluing me, she hoovered back professing how much she missed me and needed me in her life again. Hoovering reels you back in right when you’re breaking free of their grasp.

Hoovering Text Examples:

“Life hasn’t been the same without you…”
“You were always my ride or die…I took that for granted.”
“Want to get dinner soon? For old time’s sake?”

How Should You Respond to a Narcissistic Hoover?

Polite detachment is safest. A simple “Hope you’re well too” deprives them of dramatic supply. Don’t take Hoover bait unless amends feel authentic.

Projection and Blame-Shifting Texts

Why Do Narcissists Project in Texts?

When my narcissistic mother crossed boundaries, she’d text that I was too sensitive and exaggerating. This projection aims to dump shame and flaws onto you that are actually theirs.

Projecting Text Examples:

“You’re so reactive and dramatic.”
“I worry about your mental stability.”
“You really embarrass me sometimes.”

How to Respond to Projection?

Don’t absorb false projections. Respond neutrally, restate your reality, then detach. Their shame is not yours to carry.

Exploitative Sexting

Why Do Narcissists Sext So Aggressively?

My narcissistic ex pressured me to sext before I was comfortable. Exhibitionist sexting gives them a cheap thrill and sense of power, plus potential blackmail material later.

Exploitative Sexting Examples:

“Send me a naughty pic…”
“My exes used to send me nudes all the time.”
“Don’t be such a prude, you’re no fun.”

How Should You Respond to Sext Coercion?

Shut it down directly. Say you’ll discuss intimacy offline once the relationship deepens. Stick to your boundaries. Healthy people respect consent.

Triangulation and Provocation

Why Do Narcissists Triangulate in Texts?

My narcissistic boyfriend would purposefully text about other girls to make me anxious and provoke jealousy. Triangulation gives them ego supply while devaluing you.

Triangulation Text Examples:

“Jasmine is coming over to chill tonight…”
“Emma is way more adventurous than you in bed…”
“Sarah looks so hot in her new profile pic!”

How to Respond to Triangulation?

Don’t take the bait. Refocus on uplifting people who make you feel secure. Their provocations say more about their issues than you.

Impulsive Tirades

Why Do Narcissists Lash Out in Text Rants?

When I confronted my narcissistic boss, he bombarded me with lengthy text tirades maligning me as “untrustworthy” and “disloyal.” Lashing out reasserts their threatened control.

Tirade Text Examples:

“I’ve given you every opportunity and this is how you repay me?! No one will ever hire someone as backstabbing as you!”
“You’ve shown your true colors now. Our relationship will never be the same again. Don’t come crawling back when you realize how badly you’ve ruined everything.”
“I should have fired you months ago. You’re dead to me.”

How to Respond to Tirades?

Don’t engage or justify yourself. Reaffirm your boundaries calmly like a broken record. Their screaming reveals their loss of power over you.

Entitled Demand Texts

Why Are Narcissists So Demanding in Texts?

My narcissistic friend would text demanding I drive her places, loan her money, help her move – all one-sided requests. Superiority entitles narcissists to exploit your time and resources.

Entitled Demand Text Examples:

“I need a ride at 5 am tomorrow.”
“Spot me $50 until payday, thanks.”
“Help me move this weekend. I’ll buy you lunch.”

How to Handle Entitled Demands via Text?

Don’t cave to one-sided demands. Reply “No, but let me know if you need support finding another option.” Politely reiterate your limits.

Belittling and Shaming

Why Do Narcissists Shame You in Texts?

Whenever I expressed needs, my narcissistic partner called me too dramatic and sensitive in texts. Shaming aims to silence your self-expression and break your spirit.

Shaming Text Examples:

“Why are you crying again? So exhausting.”
“You really take everything too personally. Grow up.”
“I’m so tired of your constant bitching and nagging.”

How to Respond to Narcissistic Shaming Texts?

Don’t absorb their projections. Respond “I’m choosing to disengage from language that feels disrespectful.” Then block them until they demonstrate changed behavior.

Interrogating Texts

Why Do Narcissists Text Intrusively?

My narcissistic mother demanded my location in texts and interrogated me about who I was with constantly. Her intrusiveness aimed to infantilize me and police my independence.

Interrogating Text Examples:

“Who are you out with right now?”
“What are you spending my money on? I want receipts.”
“You’re dressed inappropriately. Change right now.”

How Should You Respond to Interrogating, Intrusive Texts?

Calmly reassert your autonomy. “I’m not comfortable with monitoring. Let’s rebuild trust.” Even parents don’t have the right to intrude on adult children’s privacy.

Guilt-Tripping

Why Do Narcissists Guilt Trip in Texts?

Whenever I set boundaries with my narcissistic friend, she texted how hurt she was by my “rejection.” Guilt tripping punishes your independence and hooks you back into compliance.

Guilt-Tripping Text Examples:

“I can’t believe you ditched me. Some friend.”
“If you really cared, you’d make the time.”
“Fine, just abandon me like everyone else does.”

How to Respond to Guilt-Tripping?

Don’t cave to manipulation. Broken record your boundary calmly. “I care about you yet need space right now.” Their guilt trips reveal their sense of entitlement to your time.

Silent Treatment and Withholding

Why Do Narcissists Give You the Silent Treatment?

When my narcissistic partner felt threatened, he’d vanish for days in a cold silent treatment, ignoring my texts entirely. Stonewalling devalues you as unworthy of even a conversation.

Silent Treatment Text Examples:

“?”
“…”
“Read at 7:04pm”

How to Respond to Narcissistic Stonewalling via Text?

Don’t reward stonewalling with an anxious reaction. Match their silence with your indifference. Seek partners who can communicate, even during conflicts.

Manipulating Your Emotions

Why Do Narcissists Like Messing with Your Head?

My narcissistic ex would text romantic song lyrics one day, then ghost entirely the next, keeping me emotionally unstable and hooked. They enjoy puppeteering your feelings.

Manipulating Text Examples:

“You’ll always be my greatest love…love you baby.”
“I think we need space. This isn’t working.”
“I saw your missed call. Everything ok?”

How to Respond When a Narcissist Tries to Manipulate Your Emotions?

Don’t let them pull your strings. Stabilize yourself with self-care. Seek trusting partners with emotional consistency, not rollercoasters.

Fishing for Compliments

Why are Narcissists Always Fishing for Praise?

My narcissistic coworker constantly texted photos seeking my lavish compliments on her outfits, looks, lifestyle. She demanded endless external validation as narcissistic supply.

Compliment-Fishing Text Examples:

“Going out tonight, which dress you think?”
“Just took these selfies, don’t I look so pretty?”
“Booked us a suite for your birthday!”

How to Handle Narcissistic Compliment-Fishing?

Give measured approval, not effusive flattery. Then shift the topic to deeper connection. They crave superficial validation; give meaningful engagement.

Over-the-Top Flattery

Why Do Narcissists Flatter You Excessively Early On?

When we first met, my narcissistic boyfriend incessantly texted how “stunningly beautiful” I was, unlike anyone he’d ever known. This love bombing hooks you on their praise before devaluation.

Effusive Flattery Text Examples:

“You’re an angel sent from heaven…”
“Your brilliance outshines the sun…”
“You’re perfection embodied in human form…”

How Should You Respond to Effusive Flattery from a Narcissist?

Enjoy the praise but stay grounded in reality. Their goal is addicting you to their fickle validation. Don’t lose yourself in excessive idealization.

Why Do Narcissists Text This Way?

What Drives Narcissists’ Toxic Text Habits?

Understanding the root causes of narcissists’ unhealthy texting helps targets detach personally. These patterns reflect narcissists’ inner dysfunction, not our worth.

Common motivations include seeking validation, provoking reactions, securing supply sources, reasserting threatened control, and projecting their own shame or flaws.

How Can This Self-Awareness Empower Targets?

We feel less fixation wondering “why are they doing this to me?” when we realize their harmful texting stems from psychological wounds, not our value. We can then craft boundaries from a lens of compassion, not just self-protection.

While still limiting contact, we make space to wish the narcissist healing. Our energies turn towards nurturing ourselves and healthy connections without anger or bitterness.

Responding Effectively to Set Boundaries

Why Is Setting Boundaries Important?

Narcissists routinely cross reasonable boundaries in pursuit of control, drama, and power. Setting clear boundaries protects our self-worth and charts the limits of acceptable treatment we will tolerate.

Boundaries ultimately model self-care, demanding relationships nourish rather than diminish us. They help circumvent pointless power struggles by non-negotiably defining what we need.

How Do We Set Texting Boundaries Without Conflict?

Calmly communicate your limits using “I” language about your feelings and needs. For example, “I’m not comfortable with unsolicited sexting and feel we need to build more trust first.”

Be concise, consistent, and firm yet unemotional in restating your boundaries. Detach from engagement if they are not respected after a direct request. Unwaver

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Attachment Style

Why stay married to a narcissist? #XNarcAbuse

August 11, 2023 No Comments

Why Stay Married to a Narcissist?

Being married to a narcissistic partner is an immense challenge rife with manipulation, exploitation, and chronic emotional anguish. Most describe life with a narcissist spouse as a “living nightmare” or “walking on eggshells.” The baffling question is why someone would remain married to a narcissist despite such toxicity. While leaving such dysfunction may seem obvious, many complex psychological and logistical factors conspire to keep victims trapped in narcissistic marriages.

The Role of Optimism Bias in Staying

Optimism bias causes people to underestimate risks and overestimate their chances of overcoming obstacles. It explains why victims stay, hoping their narcissistic partner will change for the better. This bias leads them to:

Minimize red flags and worrisome behaviors
Assume positive change is right around the corner
Believe their love and loyalty can “fix” their partner
Rationalize the abuse and make excuses for their spouse

This hope locks them into the relationship despite mounting evidence it is irreparable.

The Sense of Marital Duty and Obligation

Many cling to their marital vows as justification for staying despite narcissistic abuse. They feel ethically obligated to stand by their spouse in sickness and in health until death do they part. This sense of duty leads them to:

Silence their protests and needs to try stabilizing the marriage
View leaving as a personal failure and moral shortcoming
Endure whatever abuse comes their way in the name of loyalty
Suppress their own distress to retroactively consent to the dysfunction

This misguided sense of righteousness and virtue keeps them trapped.

Avoiding Confrontation and Conflict

Narcissists skillfully train their partners to avoid confronting their unhealthy behaviors or questioning their actions. Victims stay in order to keep the peace and prevent potentially explosive outbursts, stonewalling, or retaliation by:

Complying with whatever the narcissist wants
Censoring their discomfort or objections
Withdrawing from making any relationship repairs
Tiptoeing around topics that might provoke the narcissist’s rage

This conflict avoidance enables the dysfunction to continue.

Prioritizing Children Over Your Own Wellbeing

Many remain married to a narcissist for the sake of their children. They are willing to sacrifice their own safety and sanity to try keeping the family unit together and avoid disrupting their kids’ lives. They may cling to fantasies of their children having normal, happy childhoods with two married parents together under one stable roof. This self-sacrifice ultimately enables abuse to continue generationally.

Economic Realities Impacting Separation

Financial entanglements with a narcissistic spouse create tremendous barriers to separation and independence. Victims may face realities like:

Lack of personal income or employment due to years as a homemaker
Poor credit due to debts accrued in the narcissist’s name
No access to marital funds the narcissist controls
No savings of their own to obtain housing
Poverty or dependence on the narcissist’s support payments after divorce

These financial handcuffs often coerce victims to stay in oppressive narcissistic marriages.

Fear of the Unknown Post-Divorce

The prospect of leaving a long-term marriage is frightening, as victims face a complete upheaval of their familiar world. Anxiety about the unknowns that lie ahead outside the narcissistic relationship can incentivize staying, including:

Loneliness
Difficulty providing for themselves financially
Their ability to co-parent with a narcissistic ex
Dating again after enduring years of criticism about their desirability
Losing mutual friends in the divorce
Coping with the narcissist’s certain retaliation
Existential questions about identity and purpose without the narcissist

This anxiety compounds the temptation to maintain the status quo.

Trauma Bonds: The Ties that Bind

Trauma bonds resulting from the narcissist’s abuse mimic addiction in the brain. The partner yearns for the validation of intermittent affection from their narcissist like an addict craves their drug. Brain chemicals like oxytocin and cortisol impair judgment and reinforce this attachment. Escaping the biochemical and emotional ties trapping victims with their abuser is tremendously difficult.

The Tenacity of Identity as Their Partner’s Savior

Partners of narcissists often adopt strong caretaker or rescuer identities. Narcissists deliberately foster this delusion by framing the victim as the one person who can “save” them from their painful past. Victims clinging to this caregiver identity and sense of purpose stay in hopes of healing their spouse. Abandoning this role would mean giving up part of their own self-concept.

Considering Your Own Role in the Dysfunction

In many dysfunctional marriages, both parties unconsciously perpetuate toxic patterns. Victims of narcissists often have underlying issues like:

Codependency and enmeshment habits
Approval-seeking and conflict avoidance
Learned helplessness and low self-esteem
Tendency to over-empathize with the narcissist

These traits inhibit enforcing boundaries and manifest in enabling behaviors. Addressing any personal contributions is essential before victims can leave.

In summary, a mix of psychological defenses, emotional trauma bonds, financial constraints, and identity challenges keep victims bonded to narcissistic partners. But with self-work and external support, victims can rewrite their internal narratives and obtain the resources needed to forge a different path.

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What kind of person marries a narcissist? #XnarcAbuse

August 10, 2023 No Comments

What Kind of Person Marries a Narcissist?

Narcissistic personality disorder manifests in self-centered, manipulative behaviors that hijack romantic relationships. Victims describe life with a narcissistic partner as a psychological prison. This raises the question: what kind of person becomes ensnared in the narcissist’s web long enough to marry one? While victims come from all backgrounds, some common psychological traps draw people into toxic relationships with narcissists.

The Seductive Charms of Narcissists

Initially, narcissists can appear funny, confident, charming, and interested in their partners. They employ manipulation tactics including:

Love bombing with constant texts, gifts, and compliments
Mirroring their partner’s interests, values, and dreams
Idealizing their partner and the relationship
Future faking promises of marriage, kids, etc.
Devaluation of the target’s friends and family
Gaslighting and verbal abuse disguised as jokes

This results in the target craving the narcissist’s approval and exclusive attention. The narcissist molds their victim into the perfect supply.

The Vulnerable Empath – The Narcissist’s Favorite Prey

What kind of person marries a narcissist -XnarcAbuse

Empathic, trusting people often appeal to narcissists as ideal targets. Traits like high empathy, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and patience enable accepting the narcissist’s faults. Eagerness to help and “see the good” makes empaths blind to red flags. Passive communication styles deter empaths from calling out the narcissist’s abusive behaviors. Their natural desire to comfort and heal makes them perfect supply for the narcissist’s bottomless pit of needs.

The Seductive Power of a Narcissistic Partner

Narcissists have a remarkable talent for projecting charm and charisma that may be utterly alluring. They are
masters at making an exceptionally alluring first impression that hypnotically draws potential mates into their web. People are frequently captivated and willing to enter their world as a result of their self-assured manner, compelling narrative, and outstanding achievements.

Additionally, narcissists are skilled at creating the appearance of the ideal mate. Few people can duplicate the
way they make their targets feel understood, respected, and validated by tailoring their conduct to match their preferences and desires. This reflection of the person’s interests and goals creates an instant emotional
connection and presents the narcissistic partner as the perfect match.

The allure of narcissists doesn’t end there; they are also adept at preying on their victims’ psychological
weaknesses. They establish an emotional dependence on their potential mates by appealing to their deepest desires and fears. A tremendous psychological cocktail is produced by this emotional roller coaster, intermittent reinforcement of compassion, and validation, which keeps people coming back for more.

Personality Characteristics and Weaknesses:

Unintentionally acting as magnets, some personality traits and vulnerabilities can pull people into the world of narcissistic partners. People with a lot of empathy and kindness may find themselves lured to a narcissist’s
alleged woundedness in an uncontrollable way. They feel that by providing empathy, care, and support they may help the narcissist heal his or her emotional scars. This nurturing instinct drives them to do so.

Additionally, those who have a strong desire to improve the world and make a positive effect can be especially vulnerable. By portraying themselves as hopeless projects in need of help, narcissists frequently take advantage of this urge. This unintentionally reinforces the toxic dynamic by creating a situation where the person feels a strong sense of purpose and satisfaction in “fixing” or “saving” the narcissist.

Narcissists take advantage of these characteristics, subtly reshaping the relationship to center on their wants
and needs. They expertly use their partners’ compassion and empathy to keep the conversation focused on appeasing their insatiable want for approval and adoration.

Choices in Relationships and Codependency:

In the dynamics of interactions with narcissists, codependency is crucial. Because their sense of self-worth is
built from their ability to satisfy and care for others, people with codependent tendencies are frequently drawn to narcissistic spouses. The demands of a narcissist are perfectly matched by this predisposition to prioritize the needs of others over one’s own.

People with codependent tendencies frequently let a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection guide their choice of relationships. In order to avoid the imagined threat of being left alone, this fear turns into a
motivating force that forces people to tolerate and put up with undesirable habits. Narcissists are aware of
this weakness and take advantage of it to keep their spouses tightly bound in a cycle of control and
dependence.

Being the caregiver and support system for the narcissistic partner gives the codependent person a false feeling of identity and purpose in this toxic relationship. This feeds into the narcissist’s sense of entitlement and control over the relationship, maintaining a vicious cycle that is difficult to escape.

Escaping the Narcissistic Love Trap

While empathy, loneliness and rescuing tendencies draw people into unhealthy bonds with narcissists, self-work can change these patterns. Boosting self-esteem, setting boundaries, and learning to identify red flags early on can prevent getting entangled in narcissists’ deceitful agendas and break the cycle of abuse. Though difficult, victims can reclaim their lives.

Conclusion

In exploring who marries narcissists, certain personality traits and psychological hooks emerge repeatedly. Kind and giving people sadly often fall prey to narcissists’ exploitation due to their empathy and willingness to see the good in others. Narcissists further entrap them through manufactured intimacy, tearing down their self-worth, and leveraging codependency. However, understanding narcissistic manipulation methods helps victims escape abusive relationships before real damage is done. They can then seek healthy partnerships built on equality, compassion and truth rather than toxicity.

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