The Narcissist’s Initial Idealization While Courting a Future Spouse

During courtship, narcissists often pursue and charm prospective partners aggressively through behaviors like:

Love Bombing

Excessive flattery, gifts, texts, and compliments make the target feel extraordinarily special.

Mirroring

The narcissist will imitate the target’s interests, values, and dreams to establish false compatibility.

Future Faking

The narcissist makes amazing promises about their future together like marriage, kids, etc. that hook the target.

Idealization

The narcissist will portray their new relationship in unrealistic, fairytale terms.

The Motivations Underlying the Narcissist’s Marriage Pursuit

Despite relating limitations, narcissists seek marriage for reasons like:

Ongoing Admiration

A spouse provides a dedicated audience catering endlessly to the narcissist’s ego.

Prestige

Having an impressive partner enhances the narcissist’s status and self-image.

Normalcy

Marriage helps the narcissist maintain a façade of a happy, successful life.

Compliant Supply

A spouse secures the narcissist’s primary source of emotional, sexual, domestic supply and services.

Power

The narcissist enjoys dominating, controlling, and manipulating their marital partner.

The Narcissistic Spouse’s Relating Patterns

Once married, the narcissist relates through chronic behaviors like:

Criticism

They criticize their spouse constantly to keep them insecure and easier to control.

Superiority

They convey superiority and remind the spouse of their inadequacy frequently.

Manipulation

They employ manipulation tactics like gaslighting, triangulation, threats, guilt trips etc.

Exploitation

They exploit their spouse’s time, empathy, sexuality, finances etc. without reciprocation.

Control

They micromanage their spouse’s life, whereabouts, and relationships to maintain domination.

Impacts on the Non-Narcissistic Spouse

The non-narcissistic spouse often suffers from:

Plummeting Self-Esteem

The narcissist’s criticisms often lead to cripplingly low self-worth.

Loss of Identity

Trying to appease the narcissist causes partners to lose touch with their own needs and sense of self.

Depression

The chronic stress, loneliness and trauma of the narcissistic relationship may lead to depression.

Anxiety

Walking on eggshells around the narcissist’s moods causes severe anxiety in partners.

PTSD

The narcissist’s crazymaking behavior, rages, and abuse can lead to their partner developing complex PTSD.

Why Narcissistic Marriages Fall Apart

There are several factors that lead to the dissolution of marriages with narcissistic spouses:

Affairs

Narcissists often cheat due to boredom, ego-gratification needs, and lack of empathy.

Discarding

Eventually narcissists discard partners who no longer adequately meet their needs.

Narcissistic Rage

Their spouse can only tolerate being subjected to extreme fits of anger for so long before reaching a breaking point.

The Spouse’s Personal Growth

As victims recover self-esteem and get support, they become empowered to leave.

Outside Interference

If others witness abuse, they may intervene, convincing the spouse to leave.

Separating Safely From a Narcissist

Victims must plan carefully before attempting to end a narcissistic marriage, given risks like:

Retaliation

The narcissist may try to punish them via threats, harassment, violence or legal/custody abuse.

Hoovering

The narcissist will flood them with pleas, faux apologies, or threats of self-harm to get them to return.

Smear Campaigns

The narcissist may do a smear campaign attacking their reputation to gain support for themselves.

Financial Abuse

The narcissist may sabotage their finances and ability to leave.

Healing After Breaking Free

After leaving the marriage, the victim can heal by:

Cutting Contact

They must block the narcissist on all channels to prevent further abuse.

Seeking Validation

Connecting with empathetic friends, family, and support groups validates their experiences.

Pursuing Therapy

Counseling helps them process trauma and regain their sense of worth.

Enjoying Freedom

They get to rediscover who they are and do activities they enjoy away from the narcissist’s constraints.

Loving Themselves

They learn to be their own best support system and show themselves the care the narcissist denied them.

In summary, while narcissists pursue marriage aggressively, their relating patterns are toxic. Their spouses suffer greatly, and without treatment, narcissistic marriages often end. But victims can heal and thrive after breaking free.

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