Enduring relationships with narcissists is an extremely confusing and cyclical experience. Even long after the narcissist discards you, they inexplicably find ways to reel you back into the dysfunctional dynamic again and again. In this article, we will explore why narcissists seem fundamentally unable to fully detach from their victims, even long after ending things.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. People with NPD often behave in arrogant, exploitative ways in relationships. Their disorder drives the push-pull cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discarding seen in narcissistic relationships.

Escaping a narcissist’s endless manipulation is an immense challenge. Even after the relationship clearly ends, they find ways to periodically reel you back into their dysfunctional grasp through hoovering and other tactics.

In this article, we’ll explore why narcissists seem unable to fully detach from victims, even long after ending the relationship. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. They see you as an object they own rather than a real person. This perspective drives the push-pull cycle of intermittent silent treatments followed by hoovering.

Why Can’t Narcissists Detach?

There are two key reasons narcissists struggle to let go of partners:

1. Unhealthy Attachment Style
   Narcissists have an insecure “anxious-avoidant” attachment style stemming from childhood emotional unavailability or abuse. This manifests through idealization (love bombing), devaluation, discarding (silent treatments), and hoovering exes back in (re-idealization). Their push-pull behavior reflects an inability to attach to partners normally.
2. Objectification
   Narcissists also struggle to see others as real people with emotions. They objectify partners as mere sources of validation (supply), possessions they can control. This perspective enables ongoing manipulation long after breakups, denying exes humanity or agency.

How To Tell If The Narcissist Is Done With You

It can be difficult to discern if a narcissist has fully detached. Signs they may not be done include continued hoovering attempts, messages, triggers to provoke reactions, maintaining any form of contact, stalking you online, or sending flying monkeys to monitor you. Any effort to keep you engaged shows they still seek supply.

For example, your narcissistic ex may intermittently love bomb you with praise when they need validation. Or they may make grand apologies and promises of change while secretly seeing others. These hoovering efforts keep you entangled in case they require your emotional labor again.

When The Narcissist Says “I’m Done With You”

Narcissists frequently discard partners suddenly and decisively, saying things like “I’m done with you” or cruelly demeaning you. But words often don’t match actions. They may cut contact temporarily through a silent treatment or by ghosting you. But this rarely lasts forever.

More commonly, they are manipulating you as punishment or reasserting power over you. The narcissist will reappear when they want attention again. For example, an ex may give you the cold shoulder for weeks, then return via text pretending nothing happened. This on-off cycle continues because they perceive access as control.

In summary, narcissists struggle immensely to let go due to their disordered minds, objectification, and dysfunctional attachment. Going no contact is essential to permanently detach and force narcissists to refocus endless energy finding new supply. While difficult, no contact and upholding strong boundaries are the only ways to show narcissists conclusively that you are done on your own terms. Wishing you strength as you take back control of your life!

Signs a Narcissist Isn’t Done With You

Here are some signs a narcissist isn’t fully detached:

• Hoovering attempts to reconnect
• Sending messages or gifts
• Using triggers to provoke reactions
• Maintaining any form of contact
• Stalking you online
• Monitoring you through flying monkeys

Any effort to keep you engaged shows they still seek supply from you.

Here are h1, h2, h3 and h4 tags added to structure the article:

Enduring Characteristics of Relationships with Narcissists

Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Cycle

Relationships with narcissists are extremely confusing and cyclical in nature. The narcissist initially idealizes their partner through excessive flattery, gifts and affection, also known as “love bombing.” But this is ultimately revealed as a facade once the devaluation phase begins, in which the narcissist incrementally dismantles their partner’s self-esteem through criticism, gaslighting, comparisons to others etc. The relationship culminates in the “discard” where the narcissist abruptly ends things without explanation, often moving on to a new source of supply.

Hoovering After Discard

However, the dynamic rarely ends there, which is one of the core enduring characteristics. Even long after the discard, narcissists inexplicably find ways to periodically reel their victims back into the dysfunctional dynamic. They use hoovering tactics like excessive praise, faked apologies or pleas for help to lure the person back in. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. This creates an endless cycle of intermittent silent treatments and hoovering that constitutes the central enduring characteristic of relationships with narcissistic abusers.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Definition

The DSM-5 lists these as the key characteristics of NPD:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggeration of abilities
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty or ideal love
• Belief they are special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
• Intense need for admiration and entitlement
• Exploitative and manipulative behaviors
• Lack of empathy
• Envy of others or erroneous belief others envy them

Behaviors in Relationships

In essence, NPD involves extreme egotism and selfishness coupled with an inability to genuinely connect with others. Sufferers have distorted self-concepts, unstable self-esteem, and cannot handle criticism. Their disorder drives the push-pull relationship cycles and inability to detach from supply sources seen in narcissistic abuse.

The Push-Pull Cycle

Causes

There are two key factors that drive the push-pull cycle of love bombing, devaluation, discard and hoovering seen in relationships with narcissists:

• Their unhealthy and insecure attachment style stemming from childhood.
• Their inability to see intimate partners as full human beings causes them to mentally objectify and commodify people. Partners represent sources of supply or validation rather than real individuals with agency.

Attachment Style

The “anxious-avoidant” attachment style arises from childhood when the narcissist’s basic dependency needs aren’t met. As adults, this manifests as:

• Love bombing romantic partners (anxious attempt to get needs met)
• Devaluation and abruptly shutting out partners (avoidant distancing when feelings engulf)
• Hoovers partners back in by feigning renewal of the bond (anxious pull)
• Re-discarding and devaluation (avoidant push)

Objectification

Narcissists struggle with cognitive empathy and seeing others’ humanity for a few key reasons:

• They have limited emotional intelligence or ability to mentalize, stemming from inadequate childhood mirroring.
• Lack of identity outside their false self leads them to only see people as sources of supply or threats to their grandiosity.
• Their hyperactive ego defenses ward off psychological injury but further disconnect them from reality.
• Their profound sense of entitlement paired with lack of conscience allows them to exploit without remorse.

Detaching from a Narcissist

Signs of Hoovering

A narcissist who isn’t fully detached may do things like:

• Send sporadic hoovering messages checking in.
• Like photos or watch stories on your social media.
• Make comments designed to induce jealousy about new supplies.
• Spread rumors designed to provoke reactions in the smear campaign.

Enforcing No Contact

To make a narcissist accept you’re done for good, you must communicate through consistent actions, not just words:

• Go completely no contact by blocking them everywhere. Delete texts or gifts that could allow hoovering.
• Maintain no contact consistently even during hoovering attempts. Cease all supply – negative or positive.
• Convey total emotional indifference. Don’t admit if you feel pain, jealousy etc.
• Refuse to be drawn into defending yourself against smears. Stay disengaged.
• Document stalking or harassment if needed to pursue legal options.

 What are the enduring characteristics of relationships with narcissists?

Relationships with narcissists are extremely confusing and cyclical in nature. The narcissist initially idealizes their partner through excessive flattery, gifts and affection, also known as “love bombing.” But this is ultimately revealed as a facade once the devaluation phase begins, in which the narcissist incrementally dismantles their partner’s self-esteem through criticism, gaslighting, comparisons to others etc. The relationship culminates in the “discard” where the narcissist abruptly ends things without explanation, often moving on to a new source of supply.

However, the dynamic rarely ends there, which is one of the core enduring characteristics. Even long after the discard, narcissists inexplicably find ways to periodically reel their victims back into the dysfunctional dynamic. They use hoovering tactics like excessive praise, faked apologies or pleas for help to lure the person back in. Their unhealthy attachment style makes true detachment impossible. This creates an endless cycle of intermittent silent treatments and hoovering that constitutes the central enduring characteristic of relationships with narcissistic abusers.

How do narcissists manage to reel you back into the dysfunctional dynamic even after discarding you?

Narcissists use many underhanded tactics to keep sinking their claws into victims, even long after ending the relationship. Some of the ways they reel you back in include: sudden reappearances and hoovering attempts to reconnect; sending messages or gifts to confuse you; dumping triggers designed to provoke reactions and supply; maintaining contact through stalking or monitoring you online; triangulating you against a new target, and periodically reminding you of the idealization “good times.”

Their unhealthy attachment style makes permanently detaching impossible. So they continue seeing you as an object they possess and control indefinitely. Any form of remaining contact signifies they still seek narcissistic supply from you. Narcissists cunningly keep some channel open – even if very intermittent contact – so they can continue their manipulation long after breaking up.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) characterized by?

The DSM-5 lists these as the key characteristics of NPD:

Grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggeration of abilities
Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty or ideal love
Belief they are special and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
Intense need for admiration and entitlement
Exploitative and manipulative behaviors
Lack of empathy
Envy of others or erroneous belief others envy them
In essence, NPD involves extreme egotism and selfishness coupled with an inability to genuinely connect with others. Sufferers have distorted self-concepts, unstable self-esteem, and cannot handle criticism. Their disorder drives the push-pull relationship cycles and inability to detach from supply sources seen in narcissistic abuse.

How do people with NPD behave in relationships?

Narcissists behave in arrogant, abusive and exploitative ways in relationships due to their disordered personalities. They feel entitled to adulation, obedience, service and admiration from their partners. They do not handle disagreement or criticism well at all.

Narcissists engage in idealization as they initially shower partners with praise and grand gestures. But they then devalue partners through put-downs, gaslighting, infidelity and other means. They ultimately discard partners suddenly when they cease providing enough supply. Their need to control the relationship also leads to behaviors like smear campaigns, hoovering and triangulation. Their disorder drives their chaotic relationship patterns.

What drives the push-pull cycle in narcissistic relationships?

There are two key factors that drive the push-pull cycle of love bombing, devaluation, discard and hoovering seen in relationships with narcissists:

Their unhealthy and insecure attachment style stemming from childhood. Narcissists have an anxious-avoidant attachment where they desperately crave intimacy but also deeply distrust people and fear engulfment. This manifests in the extreme highs of idealization followed by the lows of cruelty when engulfment panic sets in.
Their inability to see intimate partners as full human beings causes them to mentally objectify and commodify people. Partners represent sources of supply or validation rather than real individuals with agency. This perspective enables their cruel manipulation as they pursue supply without empathy.
What are the two key reasons narcissists struggle to let go of partners?

The two core reasons narcissists cannot fully detach – even from partners they’ve clearly discarded – are:

Their unhealthy attachment style. Narcissists have a disorganized attachment schema marked by engulfment anxiety. So they panic when abandoned by supply sources and seek to hoover them back in.
Objectification of partners. Narcissists struggle to recognize others’ humanity. They commodify people as objects for supply. So they see discarded partners as still under their possession and control.
Their profound relational and empathy disorders mean they treat even discarded partners as objects they still own, creating an inability to ever fully detach.

How does the “anxious-avoidant” attachment style manifest in narcissists?

The “anxious-avoidant” attachment style arises from childhood when the narcissist’s basic dependency needs aren’t met. As adults, this manifests as:

Love bombing romantic partners (anxious attempt to get needs met)
Devaluation and abruptly shutting out partners (avoidant distancing when feelings engulf)
Hoovers partners back in by feigning renewal of the bond (anxious pull)
Re-discarding and devaluation (avoidant push)
This creates an endless cycle of a narcissist desperately pursuing a partner again after discarding them – reflecting their anxious attachment – then feeling engulfed and needing to regain distance. They are never able detach permanently due to this dysfunctional attachment style.

Why do narcissists struggle to see others as real people with emotions?

Narcissists struggle with cognitive empathy and seeing others’ humanity for a few key reasons:

They have limited emotional intelligence or ability to mentalize, stemming from inadequate childhood mirroring.
Lack of identity outside their false self leads them to only see people as sources of supply or threats to their grandiosity.
Their hyperactive ego defenses ward off psychological injury but further disconnect them from reality.
Their profound sense of entitlement paired with lack of conscience allows them to exploit without remorse.
In essence, profound early trauma arrested their emotional and moral development. So they learned to manipulate as a way to survive without learning empathy or emotional connection.

What are some signs that a narcissist isn’t fully detached from you?

A narcissist who isn’t fully detached may do things like:

Send sporadic hoovering messages checking in.
Like photos or watch stories on your social media.
Make comments designed to induce jealousy about new supplies.
Spread rumors designed to provoke reactions in the smear campaign.
Have others monitor you and report back as flying monkeys.
Pretend to accidentally run into to you to gauge supply.
Any form of remaining connected enough to provoke reactions shows they still perceive you as a source of narcissistic supply not fully relinquished.

What is “hoovering,” and how does it relate to narcissists?

Hoovering refers to when a narcissist tries to “suck you back in” after a discard through charming behaviors like excessive flattery, proclamations of love, apologies and promises. It relates to their attachment style – abandonment panic motivates them to resecure supply through manipulation.

They typically hoover when their new sources of supply run dry or fail to adequately meet their insatiable needs. Hoovering keeps victims on the backburner as supply. It also reaffirms the narcissist still possesses control. Out of the blue hoovering is one of the most common ways narcissists reel victims back into the abuse cycle post-discard.

When a narcissist says “I’m done with you,” do their words always match their actions?

No, frequently when a narcissist proclaims dramatically “I’m done with you,” their actions tell a different story than their words. They may cut contact temporarily through a disappearance or silent treatment. But this is primarily designed to make their victims anxious and reassert power over them.

More commonly, despite their dismissive words, the narcissist still continues monitoring their ex-partner closely or finds pretexts to make contact. Essentially, their declarations signal a wound to their grandiose ego, not an intention to permanently detach. The narcissist will often resurface quickly after an “I’m done with you” proclamation once their pride has recovered enough to hoover for validation.

What is the purpose behind the narcissist’s manipulation when they temporarily cut contact?

There are a few purposes behind a narcissist temporarily cutting contact after discarding a partner:

To punish the person for some perceived infraction against their sense of superiority. The withdrawal of contact makes the person anxious which the narcissist finds gratifying.
To deliberately instill a panic over losing them. The ensuing desperation makes the person easier to hoover when contact resumes.
To re-spark the fear of missing out which will amplify the elation if they return. This manipulates stronger positive supply during the hoovering honeymoon period.
To re-establish a position of power and control after feeling threatened by independence. Ceasing contact highlights the narcissist’s ability to withdraw at whim.
Essentially, it allows them to use anxiety, insecurity and abandonment fears against someone as emotional hooks when hoovering resumes.

What is the cycle that narcissists often repeat during the devaluation and discard phases?

The narcissist tends to repeat certain cycles during devaluation and discarding partners:

Gradually ramping up abuse through gaslighting, put downs, triangulation, etc.
Following impulsive rages and cruelty with a reconciliation period of being sweet, attentive, apologetic.
Restarting the mean and sweet cycle until the partner is thoroughly emotionally disoriented and co-dependent.
Abruptly dropping all contact for days after reacting enviously to hints of the partner’s independence.
Reappearing as if nothing happened to restart the idealization – devaluation rollercoaster.
Essentially, intermittent abuse and kindness keeps the partner addicted to tiny crumbs of positive supply through trauma bonding. The turmoil also lets the narcissist continually reset the relationship timeline when abandoned.

How do narcissists view their previous partners during the devaluation and discard phases?

During devaluation and discard, narcissists have generally ceased to view their partners as independent people deserving of human dignity or compassion. They now regard them as objects that have failed to continue providing sufficient positive supply.

Partners represent “bad investments” that no longer do enough to support the narcissist’s grandiose false self. The narcissist feels entirely justified in brutally discarding them without empathy. Yet underneath the cold indifference, the narcissist still feels they “own” and possess these objects (ex-partners), retaining full entitlement to access and control them long after the breakup.

What are the genuine signs that a narcissist is finally done with you?

Genuine signs a narcissist has detached fully include:

Zero attempts to hoover or reestablish contact.
Making no effort to keep tabs on you through smear campaigns or flying monkeys.
Complete emotional indifference to your existence, not trying to provoke jealousy or pain by flaunting new supplies.
No attempts to bait you back through old songs, inside jokes or other triggers.
Essentially zero interaction showing they see you as irrevocably disposable and are refocusing energies on new sources.
But for most narcissists, their disordered minds make totally relinquishing former supply exceedingly difficult if not impossible. Detachment generally only follows a target’s consistent enforcement of no contact and boundaries.

What makes it difficult for most narcissists to let go of their former supply permanently?

Several factors make it hard for narcissists to permanently detach from former supply sources:

Objectification and dehumanization makes people disposable but also still “owned” possessions.
Pathological envy means preventing others from thriving independently post-breakup is imperative.
Theirgrandiose false self requires continual external validation from new and old supplies alike to survive.
Inability to self-reflect means every failure is blamed on others, requiring endless punishment.
Their insecure attachment causes abandonment panic so former supplies must be kept available as backups.
Essentially, their disordered psychology prohibits detachment. Letting someone depart freely contradicts all the narcissist’s internal constructs about power, entitlement and control.

How can a narcissist fully detach from you?

A narcissist will only fully detach if:

They secured a replacement source of superior supply making you entirely obsolete.
You unequivocally communication total disinterest in ever reconciling or providing further supply.
All paths of access to you are permanently severed through no contact, relocation etc. so hoovering is impossible.
Other more promising targets present themselves requiring less effort to exploit.
But even then, most narcissists continue circling back periodically to former supplies when bored or thirsty for validation. Their unhealthy attachment style makes detaching from resources profoundly difficult if not impossible. They despise losing their property.

How can you force a narcissist to realize that you’re never coming back?

To make a narcissist accept you’re done for good, you must communicate through consistent actions, not just words:

Go completely no contact by blocking them everywhere. Delete texts or gifts that could allow hoovering.
Maintain no contact consistently even during hoovering attempts. Cease all supply – negative or positive.
Convey total emotional indifference. Don’t admit if you feel pain, jealousy etc.
Refuse to be drawn into defending yourself against smears. Stay disengaged.
Document stalking or harassment if needed to pursue legal options.
Basically starve them of reactions indicating you are unaffected by and immune to their ploys.
Once convinced the former supply is unrecoverable, the narcissist has no choice but to reluctantly move on for lack of alternatives.

In the dynamic between a narcissist and their victim, where does the power to end the dynamic typically lie?

The power to permanently end the dysfunctional dynamic ultimately lies more with the victim than the narcissist. Due to their disordered minds, narcissists find letting go nearly impossible. Even after being clearly discarded, they employ endless manipulation ploys to maintain access and control.

The only way to truly free yourself is by enforcing no contact, documenting stalking if needed, and consistently demonstrating through actions that their hoovering attempts and other ploys evoke zero engagement. You must show the narcissist with certitude that you are emotionally unaffected and immune to their manipulation in order for them to relinquish their falsely constructed sense of ownership over you.

Conclusion
In summary, narcissists struggle to detach due to their disordered minds and objectification of targets. But no contact and strong boundaries are the only ways to force narcissists to accept that you are done on your terms. Wishing you strength on your healing journey!

Conclusion

In summary, narcissists struggle to detach due to their disordered minds and objectification of targets. But no contact and strong boundaries are the only ways to force narcissists to accept that you are done on your terms. Wishing you strength on your healing journey!

The post The Narcissist Is Not Done With You – Hoovering – #NarcAbuse appeared first on ThyselfTherapy.com - Know more about Thyself.

The Complex Reality of the Narcissistic Mother

The relationship between mother and child is meant to be one of deepest love, acceptance, and nurturing guidance. But when narcissism distorts a mother’s psyche, the fallout for her children can be devastating in ways both obvious and insidious. This complex dynamic between narcissistic mothers and their children has countless nuances and far-reaching impacts that merit in-depth exploration.

How does a narcissistic mother behave?

The essence of the narcissistic mother is her inability to see beyond her own needs, desires, and inflated sense of self to empathetically connect with her child as a fully separate individual. The loving embrace of a mother can uplift a child’s spirit, yet the smothering grip of a narcissist suffocates it instead. “Her ‘love’ felt more like possession than affection,” reveals one victim of a narcissistic mother’s twisting embrace. “She wanted total control over me as an extension of herself, not an independent person with my own thoughts and feelings.”

The narcissistic mother relates to her child through a lens of covert or overt control, seeing them as a mere reflection of herself rather than a fully autonomous being. Her love is often highly conditional and contingent upon the child exhibiting qualities or behaviors that boost her own ego and self-image as a superior, ideal mother. “The only time I felt her love was when I achieved something that made her look good,” confesses one child of a narcissistic mother. “But if I made a mistake or disagreed with her, the warm glow disappeared instantly.”

This contingent love often manifests through extreme praise and flattery when the child satisfies the narcissistic mother’s ego needs, followed by stonewalling, emotional neglect or cruel punishing behaviors when the child disappoints her in some way. “Her ability to flip from smothering praise to icy coldness terrified me,” admits one daughter. “I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, modifying my behavior to please her.”

The narcissistic mother also lives vicariously through her children, imposing her own dreams upon them rather than accepting and nurturing them as individuals. “She wanted me to fulfill all the dreams she never pursued herself,” laments one woman. “I felt immense pressure to become the person she wanted me to be rather than discovering who I really was.” This emotionally crushing dynamic plays out in countless families dominated by narcissistic maternal figures.

But healing and wholeness await those who can step back from the narcissistic mother’s cloying embrace. By recognizing her disorders as stemming from her own wounds – rather than any deficiency within themselves – survivors can finally separate their inherent worth from her warped lens. “I realized that her dysfunction came from within her, not me,” explains one daughter. “My spirit could still soar freely once I released myself from the cage of her twisted love.” We still thrive when we finally break free of her hold.

What do narcissistic mothers do to their daughters?

The dynamics between narcissistic mothers and daughters represent a particularly complex and nuanced terrain due to the intensity of the mother-daughter bond. Many narcissistic mothers see their daughters as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals.

The search for maternal love, validation and bonding drives a daughter’s psychological development. But when a narcissistic woman becomes a mother, her disorder often leads her to use her daughter primarily to fulfill her own emotional needs and desires.

“I grew up with the crushing awareness that I existed only to boost my mother’s ego and self-image,” confesses Sarah, 43, whose narcissistic mother carefully groomed her to become a carbon copy of her younger self. “She critiqued every aspect of my personality that deviated from her ideal. It felt like she was trying to erase me.”

This attempt to mold one’s daughter into a copy can engender deep wounds around authentic identity. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel immense pressure to present a flawless image to earn their mother’s approval. “No matter how much I achieved, it was never enough for her insatiable demands,” admits Nina, 38, whose narcissistic mother felt vicariously humiliated by any perceived imperfection in her daughter. “Her criticism permeated my mind until I doubted everything about myself.”

The daughters of narcissistic mothers also frequently bear the brunt of their fluctuating moods, rages, and outsized emotional needs. “My childhood memories swing between her smothering adoration and icy criticism,” admits Lana, 47, about her narcissistic mother. “I never knew which side of her I would get from day to day, so I learned to be hypervigilant to her moods.”

This kind of emotional whiplash often leaves the daughters of narcissistic mothers with complex PTSD and pervasive inner critic voices rooted in their mother’s searing judgments. “Even as an adult, I struggle with an inner voice that constantly criticizes me the way she did,” confesses Nina. “Her poisonous words corrupted my self-worth.”

But healing and wholeness awaits those who can disentangle from the narcissistic mother’s projections and distortions in order to reclaim their self-worth. By mourning the loving maternal bond they deserved – while appreciating the role her disorder played – daughters can finally achieve self-validation and break free of the narcissistic mother’s cruel conditioning.

“Realizing my mother was the one with distorted perceptions helped release me from the prison of constantly seeking her approval,” says Sarah. “I claimed my own voice – no longer just an echo of hers.” This journey of breaking free from maternal narcissism and claiming one’s authentic self-worth represents an immense transformational achievement that is possible no matter the depth of the original wounds.

Does a narcissist mother love her children?

To outside observers, narcissistic mothers often appear extremely devoted – even completely engrossed in their children’s lives. But this seeming obsession is often steeped in darker motives that belie the image of maternal selflessness.

The dynamics of a narcissistic mother’s emotions towards her children are complex. The child may represent a narcissistic extension of herself that boosts her ego and secures her self-image as a doting, perfect mother. “I realize now that I was just a trophy for her, not a separate person,” reflects Oliver, 33, whose narcissistic mother showered him with praise and gifts when he excelled but ignored any struggles.

This idealized version of the child satisfies the narcissistic mother’s emotional needs temporarily. But the children of narcissists are also prone to being subjected to her envy, rage and disdain when they fail to adequately prop up her ego.

“If I made any kind of social faux pas as a teenager, she took it as a personal attack and eruption in narcissistic rage,” reveals Sadie, 47, about her narcissistic socialite mother. “In private she made me feel worthless for embarrassing her, even though she was so charming in public.” This reveals how the narcissistic mother’s concern centers not on her child’s emotional wellbeing, but on her own image.

The narcissistic mother may also compete with her children as they get older – particularly daughters, who represent a threat as youthful versions of herself. “My mother still flirts competitively with my boyfriends and makes snide comments about my looks,” admits Nina, 38, about her aging narcissistic mother. “She seems to resent that I’m now her replacement in the world.” This inappropriate boundary crossing reveals the narcissist’s central concern – herself.

Ultimately, the narcissist mother’s love may be merely a reflection of herself rather than a genuine bond. “My mother’s ‘love’ for me was really just an obsession with creating her ideal mini-me,” reveals Oliver. “Once I developed my own views and personality, her interest faded.” But the children of narcissists can reclaim their self-worth by forging lives that orbit around their own dreams, rather than their mother’s distorted inner universe. Our light still shines brightly when we stop orbiting around her darkness.

What are the victims of narcissistic mothers?

The victims of narcissistic mothers bear deep psychological scars that can pervade every aspect of life with damaging self-doubt. And sadly, these wounds often go unrecognized by society due to the narcissist’s covert tactics and manipulative public persona.

“In public, my narcissistic mother acted like a saint, while privately her cruelty drove me to near destruction,” confides Scarlett, 39, whose narcissistic mother presented an image of sanctity while routinely scorning and shaming her daughter. This insidious disparity between the narcissistic mother’s external image and internal reality is a hallmark of narcissistic parental abuse.

The victims of narcissistic mothers also suffer a more hidden form of trauma since the abuse is rarely physical. “People assumed she was wonderful based on how she doted on me externally,” admits Lily, 29, whose narcissistic mother would simultaneously subtly undermine and invalidate her. “But her words slowly choked the life out of my spirit.” This form of covert narcissistic abuse can be difficult to recognize yet profoundly damaging.

Narcissistic mothers also inflict wounds under the guise of love and concern. “My mother always had a seemingly loving reason when she criticized me,” reveals Emma, 36, whose narcissistic mother justified her controlling behavior as simply caring too much. “So I assumed the problem was me, not her.” Self-blame, toxic shame, and a sense of inherent defectiveness are common themes for those raised by narcissists.

The victims of narcissistic mothers also struggle with recognizing their abuser as disordered rather than well-meaning. “Every abusive episode would end with her crying and playing the victim,” admits Scarlett about her narcissistic mother’s manipulation. “She had me so convinced I was the monster that I spent years in denial about her being the real problem.” Identifying the narcissistic mother’s deflection and blame-shifting is key to unpacking her abuse.

But there is hope for survivors to heal by separating the narcissist’s disorder from their own self-worth and embracing unconditional love. “I realized her treatment of me defined her not me,” explains Scarlett. “I discovered my spirit could soar once I released myself from the prison of her distorted perceptions.” We can learn to separate her disorder from our worth by finding wholeness within.

How do you recognize a narcissistic mother?

Recognizing narcissism in one’s own mother can be emotionally challenging, since the maternal bond is meant to be loving and safe. But awareness of narcissistic red flags is key to unpacking her harmful behaviors. There are several hallmark signs of a narcissistic mother’s emotional terrain.

Many narcissistic mothers disguise their profoundly self-absorbed core with an outward guise of martyrdom or virtue. “No matter how much she sacrificed as a mother outwardly, it always ultimately served her narcissistic needs,” observes Oliver, 33, about his narcissistic mother’s hidden agenda. Her “selfless” image magnifies the praise and admiration she craves.

Narcissistic mothers also envy and compete with their children, particularly daughters. “When I started getting attention for my looks as a teen, my narcissistic mother began making snide remarks about my weight,” admits Nina, 38, about her mother’s thinly veiled sabotage. Rather than celebrating her child’s blossoming, the narcissist feels threatened.

Another trademark behavior is emotional coercion and manipulation. “My mother used elaborate guilt trips to control me disguised as concern,” reveals Lily, 29, whose mother would loudly lament becoming a burden when met with resistance. Their theatrical martyrdom and guilt-tripping is meant to obligate submission.

Pathological lying also runs rampant. “When my mother raged at me, she would later deny it ever happened,” admits Emma, 36, about her narcissistic mother’s gaslighting. “It made me constantly second-guess reality.” Their eager rewriting of facts disorients victims and obscures the narcissist’s abuse.

But the narcissist’s false projections ultimately reveal more about their inner landscape than our own. “I spent so long believing her warped view of me defined my worth,” says Scarlett, 39. “Until I realized her disorder was the lens warping the view, not my spirit.” We can reclaim clarity by releasing their distorted perspectives from our psyche.

Do narcissistic mothers love you?

To the outside eye, a narcissistic mother often appears to shower her child with excessive love and praise. But her “love” is often steeped in darker motivations that ultimately provide thin, malnourishing soil for a child to grow.

The narcissistic mother’s love is highly contingent on the child adequately propping up her ego ideal and self-image. “I learned quickly that I had to achieve and behave exactly as she wanted to receive her love,” confesses Oliver, 33, whose narcissistic mother doled out warmth sparingly. Failing to perfectly reflect her desires brought swift rejection.

This “love” also centres more on how the child reflects upon the narcissistic mother rather than genuine care for their emotional needs. “When my mother bragged about my accomplishments, she emphasized how it made her look as a parent more than my happiness,” admits Nina, 38, about her narcissistic mother’s self-glorifying focus. Their children’s successes become trophies for their own ego.

The narcissist also “loves” her child primarily when they provide a sense of purpose by keeping her emotionally occupied. “I felt used for the entertainment and attention I provided her more than genuinely loved,” confesses Sadie, 47, whose aging narcissistic mother grew increasingly clingy. To the narcissist, people represent objects serving their needs rather than separate individuals.

Eventually, the narcissistic mother feels competitively threatened as her children grow independent, often turning cruel and demeaning. “My mother’s ‘love’ morphed into envy and sabotage once I no longer worshipped her,” reveals Emma, 36, whose narcissistic parent grew vindictive as she carved her own path. Their “love” relies on dependence and inferiority.

Ultimately, the narcissistic mother’s “love” centers on bolstering her own ego needs and desires above all else. “Her ‘love’ came with so many conditions that I felt smothered,” admits Lily, 29. “But once I realized real love has no strings attached, I could breathe freely.” We reclaim our worth by seeking true unconditional bonds instead.

How do you outsmart a narcissistic mother?

Escaping the gravitational pull of a narcissistic mother’s distorting world is an immense challenge requiring strategic planning and subtle maneuvering. Implementing firm boundaries often provokes aggressive resistance or manipulation from narcissistic maternal figures.

“I had to set limits on my narcissistic mother’s constant guilt trips and criticism in a way that avoided triggering her rage,” explains Nina, 38, who masked her true motivations by blaming external factors for reduced contact. Strategically disguising boundaries spares no oxygen for the narcissistic mother’s firestorm.

It also helps to grant superficial concessions to create an illusion of control. “I feigned asking my mother’s advice on smaller decisions so she wouldn’t interfere in the bigger ones,” admits Sadie, 47, who found giving her narcissistic mother inconsequential power deflected her more destructive controlling tendencies. Granting small powers pacifies their need for domination without compromising autonomy.

Low or structured contact also helps manage expectations. “I only visited my narcissistic mother’s house for short periods of time to avoid getting sucked into her drama vortex,” reveals Scarlett, 39, about deciding her level of exposure. Limiting contact ultimately protects our energies and realities from contamination.

Ultimately, outsmarting a narcissist requires being highly tuned in to their tactics while subtly maintaining one’s desired boundaries. “After years of hypervigilance to her moods, I learned to strategically play along while internally staying detached,” reveals Lily, 29. We claim our freedom each time we think independently and set boundaries, no matter how subtly implemented.

Can a narcissistic mother be nice?

To the outside observer or fleeting acquaintance, a narcissistic mother often appears charming, engaged and invested in her children. But her superficial niceness ultimately serves darker designs underneath.

During the idealization phase in which her child bolsters her ego, a narcissistic mother can certainly appear remarkably caring and devoted. “My narcissistic mother acted so warm and nurturing when I made her look good,” explains Oliver, 33, whose mother beamed with pride at his accomplishments but raged at any failures. Their pleasant facade thinly veils selfish motives.

Narcissistic mothers can also weaponize occasional niceness to manipulate and emotionally hook their children. “After my mother’s vile outbursts, she would suddenly smother me with sweetness once I threatened to leave,” reveals Emma, 36, about her narcissistic mother’s ploy to reel her back in. Strategic niceness prevents losing their narcissistic supply.

This intermittent niceness also emotionally conditions the children of narcissists to keenly seek crumbs of kindness within the abuse cycle. “Her rare warmth after callous treatment conditioned me to crave those tiny morsels of love like a starving dog,” admits Nina, 38, about her narcissistic mother’s manipulation. Their unpredictability keeps victims trapped in hope of recurring affection.

But the fleeting pleasantries of a narcissistic mother fail to negate her deeper disturbing core of disordered perceptions and behaviors. “Her saccharine sweetness could never compensate for the dark, raging emptiness inside her,” reflects Sadie, 47, about her narcissistic mother’s superficial niceness masking inner chaos. We must never sell our souls for such meager nourishment.

The narcissist’s mercurial niceness versus cruelty reveals her disorder rather than any deficiency within her victims. “I was so addicted to the idealized bond I believed we shared during her good moments,” reveals Scarlett, 39. “Until I accepted that her disorder explained the darkness, not me.” We can release her alternating niceness and rejection by recognizing it stems from her, not us. We deserve real consistent love, not conditional niceness.

Is My Mom narcissistic or Borderline?

Mothers with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder often display volatile, manipulative behaviors that can leave children feeling incredibly confused and self-blaming. Teasing apart the distinctions between having a narcissistic or borderline mother can be challenging but offers helpful clarity.

Borderline mothers tend to display fear of abandonment, intense mood fluctuations, impulsivity, chronic emptiness and stormy interpersonal relationships. “One minute my borderline mother clung to me, the next she raged I was abandoning her,” reveals Lily, 29, about her mother’s swirling chaos. Their emotions spiral rapidly between idealization and devaluation.

Meanwhile, the central signs of a narcissistic mother are haughtiness, severe lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to perceived slights and a deeply arrogant stance. “My narcissistic mother was coldly dismissive and utterly unable to understand my feelings,” explains Nina, 38. “But she flew into narcissistic rages if she felt disrespected.” Their concern centers more on status and ego versus borderline anguish around abandonment.

Borderline mothers also distort reality from emotional reactivity versus narcissistic manipulation. “My borderline mother’s perceptions constantly shifted with her moods,” reveals Emma, 36. “While my narcissistic aunt coldly lied and gaslit deliberately.” Reality becomes fluid for borderlines but a conscious weapon for narcissists.

But healing can come for those struggling with either distorting maternal disorder. “I stopped trying to precisely diagnose my mother’s issues,” admits Scarlett. “I realized understanding her inner wounds helped me compassionately detach.” Progress lies in releasing the past’s hold, no matter the specifics.

What is the psychology behind a narcissistic mother?

The psychology behind narcissistic mothers reveals an inner landscape fraught with insecurity and the need for control. While narcissism exists on a spectrum, severe narcissistic disorders often stem from childhood attachment trauma and stunted emotional development.

“Somewhere in her past, my mother’s spirit was wounded beyond repair,” muses one insightful child about their narcissistic parent. The vulnerable self they constructed to adapt was ruthlessly dominated and suppressed by a defensive inflated ego persona.

Narcissistic mothers often grew up deprived of secure parental attachment and emotional safety. “My mother was profoundly abandoned as a child, leaving her with a gaping inner hole,” reveals Nina, 38, about the roots of her narcissistic mother’s pathology. A shattered sense of self and lack of nurturing caregivers engenders desperate coping mechanisms.

The hallmark lack of empathy, thirst for control, and haughty posturing of the narcissist all serve to shield the fragile self beneath from re-experiencing childhood wounds. “Her cruelty and manipulation shielded the scared, hurting girl still inside,” reflects Emma, 36, about her narcissistic mother’s defensive disguise.

This insight into the psychology of narcissism can grant children greater compassion for their mothers’ disorder, while still maintaining self-protection. “Understanding her childhood trauma helped me pity her without being pulled into her drama,” explains Scarlett, 39. We owe our mothers understanding but not our souls.

What is the pain of a narcissistic mother?

The deep pain of a narcissistic mother’s distortions can lead to profound suffering for a child. While narcissists often appear entitled and demanding outwardly, inwardly they harbor great unfulfilled needs and anguish.

“No matter how much I tried, I could never win her approval or receive her unconditional love,” laments one child of a narcissistic mother. The mother’s own emotional frustrations become directed at the child through manipulation and control.

Children of narcissists often feel burdened with satisfying their mother’s insatiable needs. “Her hunger for validation and attention felt bottomless, no matter how much I sacrificed myself,” reveals one daughter. They pour themselves into the narcissist’s void but it never fills.

Scapegoating and denigration are also frequent abuse tactics. “Whenever something went wrong, my mother always found a way to blame me,” admits one child. The narcissist projects their own self-hatred outward as a protective mechanism.

This leaves the child feeling compelled to constantly contort themselves to please the narcissist, only to repeatedly fail. “I devoted my childhood to trying to heal her pain and emptiness through my achievements,” confides one daughter. “Until I had to save myself by accepting I couldn’t fill her inner void.”

But children can release the burden of the narcissist’s disorder by realizing it stems from within the mother, not them. “She was the one in pain – her scapegoating just made me feel worthless,” reflects one survivor. Unburdening comes through understanding we cannot fix her anguish – only free ourselves from it.

How do female narcissists treat their children?

Female narcissistic mothers often view their children merely as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals with distinct emotions and desires. Their mothering becomes more about serving their own ego needs than nurturing their child’s healthy development.

“I was just a prop in the perfect family fantasy she tried to construct,” reveals Sam, 23, whose narcissistic mother obsessively curated his image and achievements to impress others. The children become objectified assets rather than autonomous beings.

Narcissistic mothers also envy and compete with their daughters. “My mother critiqued my weight and looks growing up to undermine my confidence,” admits Nina, 38, about her narcissistic parent’s jealousy. Rather than guiding a daughter’s self-esteem, they feel threatened by her blossoming.

Manipulation is also rampant. “Whenever I questioned my mother’s behavior, she cried about being an inadequate mother,” reveals Lily, 29. Their theatrical guilt-tripping and martyrdom compels submission and loyalty.

But children can break free by honoring their own emotions and desires. “I spent so long conforming to her fantasies that I lost touch with my own dreams,” admits Sam. “Once I got in touch
with my own needs, I could set boundaries without guilt.” We heal by boldly reclaiming ownership over our identities and boundaries.

What kind of childhood creates a narcissist?

Narcissistic personalities often emerge from childhoods devoid of secure attachment and emotional safety. Lacking nurturing caregivers and stable bonding imprints arrested their emotional development in key ways.

“My mother grew up neglected – her parents provided for her physical needs but were emotionally absent,” shares Nina, 38, about her narcissistic mother’s lonely upbringing. Deprivation of affection and validation in childhood creates an insatiable hunger.

Trauma and abuse are also frequently involved. “Under her haughty facade, my mother hid the anguish of being tormented by her own narcissistic father,” reveals Oliver, 33. Narcissistic defenses originally formed as protection against painful wounds.

Parentification – or role reversal where children must care for their caregivers – also plays a part. “My mother had to sacrifice her own childhood to raise her siblings,” explains Emma, 36. Forced to become adults too young, their inner child’s needs get suppressed.

Understanding these painful roots can foster compassion for the narcissist’s disorder, while still maintaining self-care. “Realizing why my mother became like this helped me pity her instead of hating her,” shares Lily. We cannot rewrite their pasts but can rewrite our futures.

Additional Tips for Coping with a Narcissistic Mother

Healing from the legacy of a narcissistic mother is challenging but possible. Implementing these strategies can help you gain clarity, establish boundaries, process pain, and move forward.

• Seek individual therapy with a psychologist knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse.
• Join supportive communities to feel less alone. Share your story and listen to others.
• Set firm boundaries around access, visits, conversations, and information sharing.
• Manage expectations through limited contact, brief visits, and public spaces for interactions.
• Avoid engaging in unnecessary conflicts or attempts to change them.
• Let go of false hopes about who they could become and focus on your own growth.
• Separate their disorder from your worth – you are not inherently defective because of their distortions.
• Practice mindfulness and self-care to become grounded in the present, not past.
• Forgive yourself for any unhealthy coping mechanisms you adopted to survive.
• Rewrite limiting narratives by identifying cognitive distortions and core wounds.
• Spend time exploring your authentic desires, values, interests, and goals.
• Cherish your freedom to finally put your needs first and detach with love.

Despite the painful legacy of maternal narcissism, we can still flourish by choosing to write a new life story centered around self-healing. Our spirits remain resilient even after childhood storms – we need only have the courage to emerge and soar.

The post Narcissistic Mother Traits- Signs – How to Cope and Deal appeared first on ThyselfTherapy.com - Know more about Thyself.