Narcissistic Patterns, Timings, and Abuse Cycle
Introduction
This article will provide an in-depth exploration of narcissistic patterns, the timing of different behaviors, and the narcissistic abuse cycle that occurs in toxic relationships with narcissists. Recognizing these patterns and timings can help provide clarity for victims, allow them to anticipate abusive behaviors, and ultimately break free of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
The Idealization Stage
The idealization stage is the first stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. During this stage, the narcissist showers the victim with extreme amounts of attention, praise, gifts, and displays of affection. The narcissist makes the victim feel like the most important person in the world. However, this idealization is not based on reality or a genuine connection – it is designed to manipulate the victim into trusting the narcissist and becoming enmeshed in the relationship.
Idealization Stage Examples
Example 1: Showering the victim with elaborate gifts and weekends away after just a few weeks of dating.
Example 2: Making constant exaggerated compliments about the victim’s appearance, talents, intelligence, etc.
Example 3: Wanting to spend all their free time with the victim and constantly telling them how perfect they are together.
What to Do
Recognize this behavior as a tactic to manipulate you rather than a reflection of reality. Do not get swept up in fantasy but maintain perspective on the relationship. Identify any personality or behavioral red flags being obscured by the idealization.
Idealization Stage
The idealization stage taps into natural human desires to feel valued, attractive, and special. This is why it can be so easy for the victim to get quickly sucked into the web of fantasy the narcissist weaves. However, the over-the-top praise and romance is not genuine – it is a self-serving act designed to manipulate. The victim should maintain rational perspective to see past the idealization and identify any concerning behaviors being obscured.
Some examples of red flags that may get overlooked during idealization include:
- Extreme jealousy or possessiveness disguised as love
- Sudden soulmate claims despite barely knowing each other
- Love bombing to overshadow contradictory personality traits
- Pushing for serious commitment very quickly
- Sharing intense early trauma to force a false bond
The victim should avoid confronting the narcissist about these behaviors at first since the narcissist will simply deny or justify them. But making mental note of them allows the victim to stay grounded in reality.
The Devaluation Stage
After idealizing the victim, the narcissist will transition to the devaluation stage. The intense praise and displays of affection disappear, and get replaced by criticism, jealousy, gaslighting, withdrawal of affection, and intermittently mean or abusive behavior.
Devaluation Stage Examples
Example 1: Blatant insults, put-downs, name calling towards the victim.
Example 2: Flipping between mean behavior and pleas for forgiveness.
Example 3: Trying to make the victim feel like they are “losing it” through manipulation and gaslighting.
What to Do
Recognize these behaviors as emotional abuse designed to erode self-esteem rather than reflections of your worth. Begin creating emotional distance from the narcissist.
Devaluation Stage
The devaluation stage is very psychologically abusive. The narcissist essentially brainwashes the victim into thinking they are flawed, unstable, and worthless after just convincing them of the opposite during idealization. This fosters trauma bonding and dependency on the narcissist.
Some specific examples of narcissistic devaluation tactics include:
- Nitpicking perceived “flaws”
- Yelling, insulting, name-calling
- Gaslighting and distorting reality
- Stonewalling as punishment
- Flirting with others to provoke jealousy
- Withholding validation and affection
- Making the victim feel they are lucky to be with the narcissist
Victims should trust their own instincts and perceptions during this stage rather than believing the narcissist’s distortions. Keeping a journal can help maintain clarity.
The Discard Stage
The discard stage is when the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship, often without warning or explanation. The victim is essentially thrown away like trash, making the trauma of the breakup especially severe. The narcissist may immediately move on to a new source of supply.
Discard Stage Examples
Example 1: Ghosting the victim out of nowhere.
Example 2: Creating a sudden fight in order to blame the victim for the breakup.
Example 3: Moving directly into a new relationship with someone else right away.
What to Do
Use the discard as an opportunity to go completely no contact and break the narcissistic abuse cycle for good. Surround yourself with emotional support.
Discard Stage
Being abruptly discarded can be extremely traumatizing for victims since it comes out of nowhere after being intensely love bombed at first. The narcissist acts as if the victim never mattered to begin with and immediately replaces them without remorse. This can make the victim feel worthless.
Some examples of how narcissists tactically discard victims include:
- Ghosting abruptly
- Monkey branching to a new source of supply
- Blindsiding the victim out of nowhere
- Stonewalling any communication
- Making the victim feel thrown away like trash
- Instantly vilifying the victim as crazy or abusive
Victims should lean on loved ones for support and immediately cut contact during the discard stage to resist getting hoovered back into the abuse cycle.
The Hoovering Stage
In the hoovering stage, the narcissist attempts to suck the victim back into the relationship through manipulation, faux apologies, threats, pretending the abuse never happened, etc. This completes the abuse cycle so the narcissist can regain control.
Hoovering Examples
Example 1: Heartfelt apologies and promises the abuse will never happen again.
Example 2: Threats to tarnish the victim’s reputation or self-harm if they don’t return.
Example 3: Pretending the entire abusive dynamic never happened.
What to Do
Remain completely no contact. Hoovering continues the abuse – the narcissist has not changed. Seek support to remain strong against hoovering tactics.
Hoovering Stage
Narcissistic hoovering can be very manipulative, preying on the victim’s lingering trauma bonds and desire to see the “good side” of the narcissist again. Victims often waver in their resolve when hoovered.
Some examples of manipulative hoovering tactics include:
- Pretending to have changed or seeking counseling
- Love bombing with praise and gifts again
- Using flying monkeys to relay messages
- Stalking and harassment if victim resists
- Spreading lies about the victim out of vindictiveness
- Making empty promises about the future
Victims should remain resolute in no contact and avoid explaining themselves to flying monkeys. Narcissists do not change – any hoovering is just to regain control and continue the abuse.
Conclusion
Understanding the patterns and timing of narcissistic behaviors provides clarity and helps victims resist abuse at each stage. With support, narcissistic abuse can be escaped. Recognizing the narcissistic relationship cycle patterns allows victims to break free of manipulation for good.
Conclusion
The narcissistic relationship cycle follows predictable idealize, devalue, discard, and hoover stages designed to psychologically trap the victim. But by educating oneself on these toxic patterns and stages, the victim gains power over the dynamic.
Key takeaways include:
- Idealization is not genuine – remain rational
- Devaluation is emotional abuse – trust your instincts over the narcissist’s distortions
- Use the discard as an opportunity to go no contact
- Hoovering prolongs the abuse – remain resolute in no contact
With validation and support, victims can break free of narcissistic abuse for good by recognizing the relationship patterns and resisting manipulation at each stage. There is light at the end of the tunnel.