Introduction
Texting has become a common mode of communication in relationships, both personal and professional. While it offers convenience, texting also opens the door for potential miscommunications and opportunities for manipulation, especially when interacting with narcissistic personalities.
Narcissists tend to have peculiar texting habits that reveal their self-centeredness, need for control, and lack of empathy. By understanding these texting patterns, you can detect narcissistic behavior early on and respond in ways that protect your self-esteem and boundaries.
Excessive Texting in the Idealization Phase
When you first start dating or interacting with a narcissist, you may notice an initial flood of excessive text messages expressing flattery, praise, and visions of an amazing shared future. This is known as “love bombing,” a tactic narcissists use to hook targets.
For example, you may receive multiple texts per day conveying how fascinating, intelligent, and attractive the narcissist finds you. They may inundate you with loving words and promises of an incredible relationship or partnership ahead.
While excessive texting may seem like a sign of infatuation, keep in mind that narcissists idealize potential targets to secure them as sources of attention, affection, and validation, known as “narcissistic supply.” Once secured, they often withdraw these expressions.
Intermittent Reinforcement of Inconsistent Texts
Cycles of excessive texting followed by little or no contact are common in relationships with narcissists. After securing your attention with idealization, they focus it elsewhere, giving you just enough positive texts intermittently to keep you hooked.
For example, after weeks of ignoring your texts, a narcissistic partner may suddenly send a flattering message like “You’re so beautiful” or “I miss you,” offering just enough validation to keep you emotionally invested. Then they disappear again.
This push/pull intermittent reinforcement creates an addictive trauma bond. Recognize that you deserve consistent mutual engagement, not breadcrumbs when convenient for a narcissist.
Love Bombing Hoovers When Losing Control
When a narcissist senses they are losing influence over you, they may flood you with excessive loving texts to suck you back into the relationship and regain control. This is known as a “hoover” maneuver.
For instance, if you begin pulling away or creating distance from a narcissistic partner, they may bombard you with a sudden influx of texts proclaiming their undying love and devotion. But it’s often a manipulation tactic rather than heartfelt sentiment.
Be wary of excessive texting out of the blue if you’ve been pulling away from a narcissist. It’s typically an attempt to reassert control, not rekindle love.
Baiting and Provoking Reactions
Narcissists frequently send provocative texts deliberately designed to get a reaction out of you. Their goal is to destabilize your emotions or elicit drama that provides them with narcissistic supply.
For example, your narcissistic partner may text implying they are dating someone new and better looking than you. Or a narcissistic friend may text damaging gossip about you to provoke upset. They want to hook you emotionally.
Avoid taking the narcissist’s bait. React neutrally and re-focus the conversation elsewhere. Deprive them of the drama and reactions they crave.
Projecting and Blaming
Narcissists often project their own negative qualities onto others via text. You may notice texts blaming and shaming you for things the narcissist is actually doing themselves.
For instance, a narcissistic partner who is being unfaithful may attempt to project this onto you with texts accusing you of cheating and being untrustworthy. Or they criticize you via text for the very flaws and insecure behaviors they struggle with themselves.
Recognize these projected texts as reflections of the narcissist’s issues, not truths about you. You know your own worth.
Impulsive Angry Text Tirades
When narcissists feel threatened or fear losing control over a target, they may launch into impulsive text tirades designed to destabilize and regain power.
For example, if you challenge a narcissist’s behavior or stand up for yourself, they may bombard you with lengthy texts filled with name-calling, threats, gaslighting, and efforts to destroy your reputation or self-esteem. Their aim is to bully you back into compliance.
Avoid reacting strongly or arguing back point by point. Instead, reaffirm your boundaries and disengage. Their screaming texts reveal their loss of control over you.
What Drives Their Abnormal Texting Habits
Understanding what motivates narcissists’ unhealthy texting patterns can help targets recognize the manipulation rather than taking texts personally. Common drivers include:
- Seeking validation and attention (narcissistic supply)
- Reasserting power and control
- Provoking strong reactions and emotional drama
- Projecting their own shame, flaws, and insecurities
- Punishing targets who don’t provide expected adoration
- Restoring threatened self-image when held accountable
When you understand these root causes, you can recognize the narcissist’s abnormal texts for what they are – ploys serving their dysfunction, not truths about you.
Healthy Ways to Respond and Set Boundaries
When you find yourself on the receiving end of unhealthy narcissistic texts, here are some tips for responding skillfully and setting boundaries:
- Avoid reacting strongly or impulsively. Pause, breathe, and regain emotional balance.
- Rephrase or reflect back what they texted objectively without judgment.
- Acknowledge their feelings/perspectives without agreeing with distortions.
- Reframe accusations or attacks as projections gently.
- Reaffirm your self-worth and boundaries clearly.
- Disengage from tirades artfully by saying “let’s take space and revisit this calmer soon.”
- Document abusive/unstable texts in case you need evidence later.
With practice, you can respond to even the most manipulative narcissistic texts in ways that disempower their games while empowering yourself.
Detaching from Narcissistic Texting Patterns
Trying to maintain a relationship with a narcissist who exploits text communication can become emotionally exhausting and damaging over time. Here are some tips on detaching from their unhealthy texting patterns:
- Limit texting. Keep text interactions brief and solution-focused. Avoid excessive back-and-forths.
- Establish texting boundaries. Set limits on when or how often you will respond to texts from the narcissist.
- Avoid texting triggers. Identify topics/phrases that provoke drama or circular debates and refrain from texting about them.
- Cancel text notifications. Consider muting text notifications from the narcissist so you can check in on your own terms.
- Text less over time. Gradually reduce texting frequency and keep communications
